DT: Eight Crazy Nights ~ 2002 (Part 2)

Davey: ‘I’m NOT, I’m running from two crybabys who won’t shut about something that isn’t any of their business…’

Eleanor: ‘You know, I read recently in Reader’s Digest that people who let themselves cry when they’re hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside….

Davey: ‘Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch?! So he can pretend that people actually LIKE him?!’

Eleanor: ‘….which month was that in?’

Whitey: *IN TEARS* ‘…..take that back….’

Davey: ‘Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins that nobody even gives a cr** about, you two are definitely winning… But that patch thing ain’t ever gonna happen for ya… because the truth is… Nobody in this town even knows you EXIST!

Eleanor: ‘You’re an animal!’

Davey: *takes off Eleanor’s wig* ‘And you’re BALD!’

Eleanor: ‘Not again… *faints*’

Whitey: ‘You’re not welcome in my house…’

Davey: ‘GOOD, your house SUCKS!’

Jennifer: ‘Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?’

Davey: ‘That’s MY problem…’

*throws the wig, which lands on the head of Mr Chang*

Mr Chang: ‘He just a no-goodnick – and I am the real Koristae Yamahuchi…’

……….I…. don’t know what to say… It’s been a while since I’ve watched a scene THIS mean-spirited, THIS heinous, THIS terribly written…. Actually, I think I know what to say about this…. Where the hell do I begin? First of all…. The film has tried painstakingly to make us feel emotions for this CREATURE by throwing in a backstory that his parents died when he was young, but ANY chance of redemption (if there was even any to begin with), has just been thrown out of the window of Lord Business’ tower in The Lego Movie into the deep abyss below…. There's a big difference between someone who adopts a sour attitude because of past life experiences that have scarred him and a person who adopts one purely out of choice. Davey has one event in his life that happened at a young age that was supposed to spawn this cynicism and disgust for human happiness and holiday cheer. That was years ago and you think the anger and hostile would've worn off with the passage of almost two decades. Not a chance. He remains as mean and as nasty as if the event occurred yesterday. Even the script's lame attempt to justify his behaviour by making his parents die on the eve of Hannakah when he was a child, does not illicit one bit of positive emotion at all. Yes, losing a parent is a serious deal – but in most places where I’ve seen it (Ginga Nagareboshi Gin, Bambi and Bambi 2, The Lion King, Aladdin 3, Lilo and Stitch, and many more films), it has been handled maturely…. In THIS film, it’s simply a means to an end…. Just a PLOT device that is way too rushed and WAY too over the top…. Even with him having LOST HIS PARENTS, the film STILL makes him WAY too unlikeable…. Even for DAVEY, this is especially cruel – in my opinion, harsh words like this can be JUST as mean as constantly maiming people or trying to cause destruction around town…. Words can hurt just as much as actions – and Davey’s behaviour in this scene is jarring even to his horrible nature earlier in the film…. Look at his facial expressions, listen to the tone of his voice… That is SOCIOPATHY! Second, this is yet ANOTHER example of a scene which doesn’t know whether it wants to be serious or comedic – it throws in annoying jokes about Eleanor’s baldness and racism into the mix – this kind of scene is MEANT to be taken seriously – why the hell would they see the need to work in JOKES into it, besides being absolutely INSANE? Third – what the hell was the POINT of the scene where Davey spends ONE night with Whitey and Eleanor? This outburst rendered that scene pretty much moot! The film has gone – ‘Davey is a douchebag – he becomes nice because the film says so – Davey acts like a douchebag again’ – the scenes of Davey ‘reforming’ were proven ENTIRELY pointless by this outburst! And fourth…. This is awfully similar to the Friendship is Magic episode ‘Putting Your Hoof Down’, isn’t it? You remember – that episode where Fluttershy is flanderised so HORRIBLY she says her friends have no reason to live? Yeah, part of what makes this scene SO hard to watch is not only having to watch Mr Whitey CRY (yeah, as annoying as he is, and as bad a walking punchline he is, I will admit, I did feel a bit sorry for Whitey here), but because it brings back memories of how depressed I was after watching Fluttershy be turned from one of the sweetest characters in animation into one of the most HELLISH characters in animation….. So, was that scene in FIM inspired by Eight Crazy Nights? ….I… honest to god hope not…. But while we’re on the subject, I feel Putting Your Hoof Down’s outburst scene was, dare I say it, a BETTER version of this scene – at least that episode kept the tone serious (as mean-spirited as the scene was, at least it chose a mood and STUCK with it ), not working in stupid JOKES into mean-spirited berating like THIS film did…. And what is the narrator’s response to one of the most PAINFUL scenes in the entirety of animation?

Narrator: ‘Wow.. just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butt-hole relapse…’

Like….LIKE?! LIKE?!? FILM, despite all your attempts to FORCE me to feel sympathy towards this THING, I haven’t felt ANY emotion towards him from the moment this film began, despite your horribly PRETENTIOUS attempts….. Film, before I continue… let me ask you a SERIOUS question…. Do you know what it takes to make a worse character than one who ACTIVELY drives an innocent being to try to commit suicide?! (Mr Krabs) Than someone who stalks and harasses others? (Spongebob) Than someone who chases down an innocent house pet with a FLAMETHROWER, almost KILLS him with incompetence, and ends up delivering a WORSE episode than Puffy Fluffy ever could? (Patrick Star) Than someone who tries to RAPE two scientists and practically destroys an expensive government research project? (Butt and Doyle) Than someone who inspires riots in classrooms, destroys living rooms, causes a ton of property damage, and remains an arrogant and ignorant airhead, cares more about her father’s fortune than searching for him, and after all is said and done, she actively thinks she did nothing wrong? (Pippi Longstocking) Than an even WORSE version of Jessica Rabbit? (Holli Would) Then a slut-cat whose only purpose in the film is cast aside a character who DESERVED the main character’s love? (Nhzompekth) Hell…. Even WORSE than a corrupt politician who sabotaged a scientist’s life’s work, killed many people, used the incident to become Prime Minister, and doesn’t take any responsibility for his actions?! (Bill Hawks) DO YOU?! …..It takes some SERIOUS attention to horrible details… and some bottom of the barrel writing…. ….Okay…. let’s continue…

Oh, and like in the OTHER times this film wants to flush out any seriousness with these stupid jokes, they make yet another insult about Eleanor looking like an owl, and the reindeer, chattering annoyingly as ever, go… inside to help them prepare for the banquet…. Oh no… PLEASE don’t show them eating poop again, PLEASE! Luckily, we don’t get that – but we do get more annoying chattering from the reindeer as they help Whitey and Eleanor get ready….. And the next scene cuts back to Davey, punch drunk and wandering around in a so called ‘comedic’ manner – okay, film… Before we continue – after the LAST scene that he was in, there is absolutely NO way that ANYTHING you could do with Davey could make us feel ANY sympathy for him in ANYWAY possible – like with Shaymin from Giratina and the Sky Warrior, after the horrible actions of this character, I don’t care if he heals the SICK upon staring at them, I’m still not going to enjoy his personality! And wouldn’t you know it, he commits MORE criminal acts which I’m sure he will NEVER get correct punishment for… He breaks into the shopping centre, and in another scene which I can’t really tell whether it’s supposed to be funny or serious, he starts drunkenly yelling at… the shopping centre, pretending it’s Jennifer… You know, as far as I can tell, there’s a big difference between being drunk and being as thick as a plank. Yes, being drunk impairs your judgement (among other things), but I’m sure that being plastered doesn’t remove ALL of your brain cells…. Considering Davey had any to start with, of course….

And of course, this film tries, in yet ANOTHER failed attempt, to make one of the WORST characters in the entirety of animation sympathetic…. You know, if your FIRST and SECOND scene trying to do this failed, what good would the third one do? :blankstare: But… this is a DIFFERENT kind of insulting – this time, in his drunken hallucinations, Davey sees all of the product placements in the shopping centre come to life, and confront him about his feelings…. Err…. O-kay… I knew this film was insulting, but I had no idea it was…. Trippy as well… Erm, guys… what did you put in my drink? And also, giving all of the product placements these personalities is a bit… odd. I mean, as some other critics have mentioned, for example, I don’t think GNC would like to be portrayed as a pervert who stalks the lingerie mascot… Not the… BEST publicity…. And… of course, they make Davey confront his feelings by bringing forth the worst torture they can…. SINGING. I guess that this bit of corporate pandering is the companies’ way of saying ‘buy our stuff and you’ll feel the holiday spirit return to you!’ Yeah…. Because the ONLY TIME people buy food from Panda Express, run by a less strapping version of Pangoro , is during the holiday season…. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. Eventually, the… mascots bring in the ‘big guns’… The card Davey got from his parents… Once again, Davey didn’t open the card earlier over these twenty years because…? Guess what, NEVER explained. They never explain WHY Davey didn’t open the card before now…. And reading the card from his parents finally gets Davey to cry over the loss of his parents and… somehow change his entire way of living…. ……*ahem* … NO. You CANNOT DO THAT. You CANNOT have him be blind to seeing Mr Whitey cry earlier, and have it be his own voice waking him up to what he’s done… It’s backhanded, and on top of that, it’s just CONFUSING! Once again, WHY hadn’t he opened that card BEFORE now? As I said, a huge plothole in this is why he hasn’t opened the card – yes, it’s the last thing from his parents, and with such things being left to you from your parents, I’m sure you’d have trouble opening it to read it yourself – but as I said earlier – TWENTY YEARS have passed, I’m sure he would have gained enough courage to open it something like FIVE MONTHS after his parents had passed away…. And as I said before, this feels an awful lot like Putting Your Hoof Down – where it’s not seeing Rarity and Pinkie Pie crying that makes Fluttershy realise she’s gone overboard, but rather, HER OWN REFLECTION. It just makes the change feel… especially contrived… And, wouldn’t you know it, all it took to change Davey’s entire outlook on life was to… CRY once….

I guess crying DOES solve your problems after all!

SHUT UP, SPONGEBOB! ONE LITTLE CRY is not going to be all it takes to change someone’s way of living, OR redeem anything he’s done in this film… It’s just like the rushed redemption of Sunset Shimmer in Equestria Girls – where the character in question, who has been absolutely HORRENDOUS and HORRIBLE towards everyone else in the film and has acted like a complete and utter DOUCHEBAG of a character suddenly tries to get the audience’s sympathy because… the plot demands it. Once again, they come completely out of nowhere, and I personally feel absolutely NOTHING when the so called ‘emotional’ trauma of the character is played out, because I noticed EVERY SINGLE THING the character did before hand, and those things destroyed ANY likeability this character COULD have had… But, you know what…. Davey Stone’s redemption is actually WORSE than Sunset Shimmer’s… Sunset Shimmer did at least get punishment for her crimes (she had to rebuild the school she destroyed…. But still, I think a prison sentence would have been more appropriate, personally… ) and, as I’ve heard from my friends, she did reform and undergo character building because of it in by the time Rainbow Rocks came around (a film which I’ll hopefully be reviewing in January.), so she did at least learn responsibility for her actions. Davey Stone… DOESN’T. He STILL doesn’t get prison time for the things he did earlier…. Like I said, the so-called ‘redemption’ fails terribly…

And… wouldn’t you know it, the police come in to arrest Davey… It’s about time, if you ask me… And even though Davey is supposed to be DRUNK, he somehow has lightning fast reflexes, as he…. Handcuffs the police officers into a suggestive pose. OH JESUS, film, you’ve done it AGAIN! As soon as your horrid attempts at ‘redemption scenes’ are played out, the character keeps on doing heinous acts! Film… YOU. FAIL!

At the Annual All-Star Banquet, Jennifer gets approached by…. A drunken bum…. Chester A. Bum, you’ve really gone downhill… And after hearing that Jennifer needs a date for the banquet, Jennifer says… her son asked first… EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR…… Does anyone else get any Fresh Heir flashbacks from this scene? Seriously – I know I may be overreacting, but… the idea of a mother having her SON as her date just seems to imply an incest joke…. Gggggnnngh… *runs off, comes back with some mulled wine, and swigs the bottle* ….Ooooh, that’s better – destroy those memories….. Whitey and Eleanor arrive at the banquet, and… rather randomly, Eleanor comes across… the man who stole her wig… Once again, the way this scene pans out, it has a façade of being a very heartfelt scene about a man doing wrong, accepting the error of his ways, and repenting for what he’s done…. But NOOOOO – this film just COULDN’T let one – just ONE – heartfelt scene slide, as Eleanor roundhouse kicks the man, and… shoves the man’s hands in his pants… STILL NOT FUNNY. Yet ANOTHER running joke that fails – just like every other attempt at humour in this film – oh, and then we get more racism, as Mr Chang gets the wig Eleanor throws away….. Cut back to Davey, who is…. Evading the police…. ONCE AGAIN, I can’t feel sympathy for a character who is EVADING the justice he rightfully deserves…. Back at the banquet, the… squeaking reindeer come to the banquet window, and –

Eleanor: ‘Whitey, they were giving out lobster bibs in the bathroom….’

Whitey: ‘That’s not a lobster bib, Eleanor, that’s a germ protector for your tushy.’

……….Wait… what? What’s the joke?! Look, film – if you’re going to insult me with failed jokes, at least ATTEMPT jokes – this is just RANDOM. I mean, some people say that Pinkie Pie’s line in the MLP:FiM episode One Bad Apple ‘Veggie salad’ was bad (I personally laughed at that line), but you have to admit it was at least an ATTEMPT at a joke…. Eleanor squashing her butt on the germ protector isn’t funny…. It’s just… RANDOM – one of the many signs the writers have finally given up – provided they even attempted comedy in the first place. Oh, and the children laughing at her is pretty annoying too… And… you know what, so far in this film, there has been little to NOTHING in it that has ANYTHING that REMOTELY ties in to Hannukah OR Christmas…. And the attempt to tie in both holidays together is PROVEN to have failed here when the Mayor welcomes everyone, and it’s revealed only a FEW Jewish people are there, because…. Comedy? It’s… not funny… And to be honest, for a film which CLAIMS to be both a Christmas AND Hannukah film, it feels like a bit of a backstab to the Jewish people suckered into watching this film… Also, just a nitpick here, but if there’s only about… five or six people in the whole town who celebrate Hannukah – was it really worth the expenses to build a HUGE ICE SCULPTURE OF A MENORAH IN THE LAKE?! Davey is about to leave for New York, as the Mayor announces that he’ll tell a joke at the banquet. Okay – remember when I said earlier that the portaloo scene and Davey’s outburst were two of the most UNPLEASANT scenes in the whole film? Well… what happens after the Mayor tells his joke is the THIRD scene in the film which is up there with the most TERRIBLE scenes in the entirety of animation…. DEAD. SERIOUS. So.. how does it go? 

Mayor: ‘Knock knock…’

Townsfolk: ‘Who’s there?’

Mayor: ‘Don’tcha?’

Townsfolk: ‘Don’tcha who?’

Mayor: ‘Don’tcha wish I hadn’t been so darn busy at the hardware store this year that I’d have more time to come up with a great one?’

WHAT?! That’s…. not funny. And you know what the SAD part is? That’s not even the WORST part – what follows is some of the most UNPLEASANT animation in the whole film…. Everyone in the audience starts laughing, Whitey… crawls across the table, a man randomly starts doing a Russian dance…. Those children from earlier…. Oh, I can’t say it… I can’t… The children… Explode copious amounts of snot from their noses all over the table, in a manner that could put MEGA BABIES to shame… Oh, my god… I think I’m going to be sick…. *clutches my stomach* …Anyway… Eleanor does an annoying dance with… the germ protector hanging from her butt… and then… *clutches my stomach in pain and winces at the memory* …..the… reindeer…. P….projectile defecate…. With the process animated… realistically… *runs to the bathroom, and throws up again* …..Gnngh… Yes, I typed that correctly, that is REALLY what happened – and once again.. it brings unfortunate memories of Stimpy’s Pregnant…. When I first watched that scene, I legitimately had to take a FIVE MINUTE BREAK to compose myself…. That scene is going to plague my nightmares, as if the portaloo scene didn’t do that already…. And…. the laugh cycle continues, with the racist stereotype ripping off his shirt and bashing his head on the table….. And now…. The ‘punchline’…. Benjamin said he didn’t get it, but Jennifer says people try to be nice to the Mayor…. Oh, so THAT was what one of the most HORRIBLE scenes in the film was building up to… FORTY SECONDS of horrible build up for THAT….. Wasn’t worth it….

So… if you’re still ALIVE after that KILLING of comedy, the Mayor starts announcing awards – including ‘Most Impressive Growth Spurt’, given to a really tall youth with…. *sees his huge amounts of armpit hair* DGGGHGHHHH…. You know film, after showing me reindeer PROJECTILE DEFECATING, showing huge amounts of armpit ISN’T made less gross in return – it’s not AS gross as the reindeer scene, but it’s STILL gross! As Davey boards a coach heading away from town for good (once again, I can’t really like this character if he’s EVADING the justice he deserves – he wants to head to New York…. Oh, no… it’s going to be Gremlins 2 all over again! ) But a mother of all coincidences happens, when ONE thumb tack pops all 8 of his back tyres (logic, what’s THAT?!) , the driver is forced to stop his coach, and Davey just HAPPENS to see the building where the Annual All Star Banquet is taking place at…. And... while under another hallucinogenic delusion, he heads to the building, where…. The obnoxious screeching reindeer notice him. And if this was the GREAT PRINCE in front of him, he would have his selfish guts gorged…. But no, Davey gives himself a wedgie to prove to them that he’s serious about helping Whitey…. Er….. O-kay… Also, as Eleanor… STEALS some rolls into her purse for February, in another scene that doesn’t even FEEL like an attempted joke, the film, believe it or not, REPEATS animation of the children laughing annoyingly…. Oh, COME ON, FILM!! The animation is the only department that is remotely TRYING in this film, and they REPEAT ANIMATION?! Does this film have NO shame? *looks back at the portaloo scene, Davey’s outburst and the laugh cycle*…. Nope.

And now it’s time for the Dukesberry All-Star Patch to be announced, and as the police search for Davey, you know, to give him the punishment he DESERVES… the reindeer squeak obnoxiously, and come up with a plan to help a REPEAT OFFENDER elude justice…. Forming a pyramid. And, with one of the STUPIDEST moves a police officer could make (yeah, this film has the Police Are Idiots trope – as if I expected less…), a police officer just notices the pyramid, and they pass it off as not being suspicious… Okay…. IDIOTS, if this is supposed to be some kind of joke, all it does is make me question why ONE, the reindeer are helping out a known felon JUST because he gave himself a wedgie, TWO, how the policemen can be stupid enough not to inspect something that is OBVIOUSLY suspicious, and THREE, how this is supposed to be funny… And, wouldn’t you know it, Whitey DOESN’T get the Patch award… It instead goes to a critic guy Tom Balthasar, voiced by John Lovitz… who has a… hook for a hand…. I don’t get it…. And… okay – I know this next part, where Whitey and Eleanor leave in sorrow, is SUPPOSED to be a sad scene, but a few things ruin it. First of all, in slow-mo, Mr Chang is… still hitting his head on the table in yet ANOTHER horrible attempt at comedy that just feels completely out of place, and is an even WORSE use of slo-mo than the gratuitous slow motion in Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga’Hoole – once again, the film tries too way HORRIBLE JOKES for it to work as a heartfelt story, because they often insert those jokes IN the supposed emotional moments…. And second…. The reason that Tom Balthasar got that award is not for helping out shelters, donating to the poor or being an all-round good Samaritan like Whitey was, but for DONATING MONEY TO A NEW SCOREBOARD FOR THE GYM. WHAT THE HELL, TOWNSPEOPLE?! Okay, as much as I can’t stand Whitey and still find him to be one of the worst comic relief characters I have ever seen in my life, I have to admit, he was at least trying to make an effort to help out whenever he could around town, no matter what people did to him…. If all this guy did is donate money towards a new scoreboard… I’m sorry, but… there are no words as to how messed up the townspeople in this film are! And I thought the townspeople in Modern Spongebob, Mr Pickles and the MLP:FiM episodes Putting Your Hoof Down and Ponyville Confidential were heinous….

Davey realises that he’ll have to do more than apologise, so he goes in to face his prison sentence, as he says ‘see you in 10 years, fellas.’ …..I think you’ll need much more than THAT for what you did earlier, Davey…. But… here’s the really REALLY strange part about this scene – they mention Davey going in to face a prison sentence, but after EVERY single time the film has somehow got him off the hook for his horrible crimes in the film, I just KNOW that this isn’t going to go how I hope it will… Anyway, the guy who won the award starts… just talking in an unfunny way, and when he shows everyone his random hook hand, Davey comes in and gets everyone’s attention. FINALLY, the police catch up with him, and arrest him, but then THIS following line is uttered…. It’s yet another mean-spirited stab towards homosexuals….

Mr Chang: ‘I love it! Your ass busted! Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!’

……You know, it’s probably because of cruel, insensitive jokes like this that it’s taken so long to legalise gay marriage…. I hate that stereotypical portrayal that all men who go to prison are supposedly gay, and that horrible ‘don’t drop the soap’ thing is just….. HORRID. Just as horrid as what happens next – just as Davey is about to be taken off to serve the prison sentence he rightly deserves, Jennifer, GET THIS, sees a tear from him, ONE lone tear, and…. WELL…. Just read what happens….

Jennifer: ‘Let the guy talk! After all, it IS the holidays!’

THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT IS NOT A DEUS EX MACHINA, film…. It cannot be used to introduce Gainax Endings into your stories… Gainax Endings is trope that is used to describe an ending that doesn't make any sense, or DOES make sense but is hidden under enough Mind Screw to not have an easy explanation…. This ending falls into the former category. Davey has been DESTROYING property, endangering innocent lives, and psychologically TORMENTING people throughout this whole film, and you’re STILL going to use the excuse ‘It’s the holidays’ to excuse his crimes, JUST BECAUSE HE CRIED ONCE?!?

I guess crying does solve your problems- *I grab a stocking full of coal, and club Modern SpongeBob right in the face*

……I do not CARE if Davey makes some half-baked apology…. I don’t CARE if it’s the holidays…. I don’t care what HORRIBLE attempts this film has pulled time and time again to try to FORCE me to feel sympathy towards this thing – he STILL needs to face the consequences of his actions! And believe me, he NEVER DOES…. He can say all the kind things he wants, he STILL needs to face his jail time… Anyway, the… randomly three breasted woman and a… cowboy take part in a… failed attempt at a joke, and when Davey tries to say Whitey deserves the Patch award…. The townspeople CONTINUE to act horrible when Tom says ‘Why should Whitey Duvall get the patch award? So he can use it as a blanket?’

I! YOU! WHAT! I…. GRRRAGAGGAHH! FILM. I… only have ONE word to say… ONE SIMPLE QUESTION… WHY?! Why the hell are you working in such CRUEL, mean-spirited characters into this film, and a holiday film – a HOLIDAY FILM no less?! With a 12A certificate!! All these insults towards Mr Whitey have NEVER been funny, and they’re certainly NOT funny here! Making him hyperventilate IS NOT FUNNY! Giving him seizures IS NOT FUNNY! Sticking his car in the ice IS NOT FUNNY! Making him fall out of a tree IS NOT FUNNY! Pushing him in a portaloo down a cliff, covering him in excrement and freezing him and leaving him for dead IS NOT FUNNY! Giving him concussions and shoving his hand in his pants IS NOT FUNNY! Having Davey psychologically torture him IS NOT FUNNY! Having the townspeople/Davey/THE FILM ITSELF mock his height, deformities, hairiness, poor income or epilepsy IS NOT FUNNY! TORTURING A CHARACTER WHO DOES NOT DESERVE IT. IS. NOT. FUNNY!!!

Jennifer: ‘Well, it is the holidays!’

SHUT UP!!! *throws the stocking of coal at her, then my palms cover my face* …….I…… I have nothing…. L… let’s just wrap this up….

So the worst townspeople in the entirety of animation continue to laugh at Mr Whitey’s expense (yes, I can’t STAND Whitey Duvall, but I just find this scene WAY too mean spirited)…. With some more terrible jokes involving Tom hitting the mayor in the back with the hook hand, and….. the three breasted lady’s breasts shaking about in…. quite frankly, an extremely REPULSIVE manner… This brings up memories of why I despise the ‘sexualised’ scenes in the Adult Party Cartoon episode Naked Breach Frenzy – a lot of people tell me that they like that episode JUST because of the nude women…. Despite the fact that all the in that episode women are portrayed as braindead sex objects whose only purpose is to have no personality, moan obnoxiously and shove their breasts and butts into people’s faces….. This scene with the three breasted woman here isn’t QUITE as severe (she is wearing clothes, at least ), but I find that animation of her shaking her mammary glands in an over the top manner to be absolutely DISGUSTING, and rather sexist, as a matter of fact. No, gender does NOT make a difference – both are wrong and both DISGUST me. If you’re going to write in lust-filled scenes like this (as I’ve said, I do find some female characters attractive – for example, I will admit, I was getting a bit steamed while watching Scratte from Ice Age 3 and Marceline from Adventure Time ) you need to make sure these scenes have an actual REASON to be there – rather than being sexualised JUST for the sake of being sexualised…. It’s obvious that was just worked in as ‘eye candy’ for the perverts watching this, and once again, I have to say – APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE.

So – how does Davey get all the douchebags in town to wake up to their horrible actions in the film, despite the fact that he has been doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING throughout his whole film? Well, one last ear grating SONG should do the trick…. Oh…. WHAT a delight. But even worse, the first few lines of this song are sung in such a quick way that it actually becomes rather ear-grating….

Davey: ‘EveryoneinthisroomhasbeenassociatedwithWhiteyeitherthroughbasketballorthemallorvariousoddjobshedoesaroundtownforfreeoratmostaDOOOOOOOOOOLLAAAAAAAAAR!’

…..OW. So yes, this is, what, the FOURTH of this film’s attempts to redeem Davey…. But you know what, they STILL manage to botch it up! How? All Davey does is SING A SONG and that…. SOMEHOW gets him off the hook for all he has done throughout this film…. Yes, I am dead serious – after this, the police never come after him again for what he has done. Yes, he admitted he had been wrong, but he actually comes across as a Karma Houdini in the way that he never gets the proper punishment he deserves for it…. Yes, remember folks – you can become a repeat offender, assault elderly men, destroy property, psychologically scar others, and break and enter shopping centres, but – BECAUSE IT’S THE HOLIDAYS – you’ll be able to get away with EVERYTHING. And guess what – that’s this film’s ‘MORAL’. One of the worst I’ve ever seen with ANYTHING to do with not only festive films, but ANY films! And I don’t want anyone to say to me ‘it’s a parody’, because it’s NOT FUNNY! Oh, and the actual content of the film isn’t any better – it’s just Davey recapping some of the horrible things he’s done throughout the film (yeah, because I REALLY wanted to see the portaloo scene and the Davey’s outburst scene again….)…. But… this time, EVERYONE else joins in with how cruel they are to Whitey, and…. now I have to ask – why doesn’t ANYONE ELSE serve time for what they’ve done? I mean it – they haven’t been ANYWHERE NEAR as monstrous as Davey throughout this film, but they admit to such horrible things, it makes them look like hypocrites! Such as the NEXT part – where three guys were watching an American football match, and Whitey came over to act as a replacement antennae when their TV signal goes out…. ONCE AGAIN, because this film can’t decide the difference between disturbing and funny, Whitey gets struck by LIGHTNING (once again, something that can actually KILL a person), and the people watching the TV just TURN UP THE VOLUME and ignore him… It’s almost made incredibly clear that Whitey is in very dire pain, by having it be… *ahem*… ‘COMEDICALLY’ over the top….. Also, one woman invited Whitey to the prom as a joke, only to ditch him, and for Whitey to ‘run home crying and slow dance with his mom’….. THIS. IS. NOT. FUNNY. In fact, I’m not entirely sure whether this film is still TRYING to be funny at this point, because this is just PAINFUL, and only a complete SADIST would find this kind of thing humorous…. Oh, and once again – the film has no idea whether it wants to be serious or comedic, as during this ‘serious’ song, Whitey is shown to… clench his mom’s buttocks….. Gggggngh, STOP IMPLYING INCEST JOKES!!! It’s not funny, it’s incredibly DISTURBING! Oh, and then we get more racism from Mr Chang when he says ‘Seems to me like you are all on crack!’ Oh YAY, drug references in a HOLIDAY FILM advertised as a family film…. Happy Holidays, everyone…. And…. believe it or not, the NEXT part is the only part of the film which even REMOTELY has anything to do with the Jewish community…. 63 MINUTES IN. Yeah…. APOLOGIES TO JEWISH PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. Heck, AN AMERICAN TAIL has more to do with Hanukkah than this film! At least that film started with the main characters CELEBRATING Hanukkah, and it a bit of insight as to what the holiday is actually COMPOSED of! Sigh, the Mousekewitz family must be so insulted by this… Sorry Fievel… Even though it was FLAT OUT STATED earlier that only a few Jewish people are in the town…. Everyone randomly starts doing a Jewish dance…. That…. Must be the most…. Contagious dancing since Cats Don’t Dance…. Oh, and ONCE AGAIN, the film can’t pass up the opportunity to shoe-horn in ANOTHER stupid, disturbing joke, when Davey sings, regarding Tom, ‘I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand!’ And the guy replies ‘yes…’ Er… RELEVANCE, please? Unless that was simply to tell us, YET AGAIN, that Davey is a douchebag even AFTER he’s been humbled, that served absolutely no point…. And….. that guy doing the Russian dance randomly comes in because…. Comedy? In fact, those jokes, AND the Jewish dance, just felt like things they worked in at the last minute….. It’s like the writers realised ‘Oh yeah, this film is advertised as a Hanukkah film, isn’t it? Hurr, let’s just throw in ONE DANCE at the end and NOTHING else, that will do the trick….’

Now, for the last scene…. This film does something ESPECIALLY insulting… Tries to make people who have laughed at Mr Whitey’s scenes feel bad about a character that it has been portrayed as a WALKING PUNCHLINE COMIC RELIEF CHARACTER… Film, you CANNOT play the same kinds of scenes for humour, and then attempt to make us feel sympathetic for the same thing - it's ungodly pretentious. In fact, Whitey… having a word with the shopping centre of all things… is just… confusing… Also – there’s this particular line I have to comment on…..

Whitey: ‘You see, the people of Dukesberry think I’m nothing but a joke…’

Erm… that’s also how the WRITERS see you, how the people who actually find this film funny sees you, and how the film ITSELF sees you – a WALKING PUNCHLINE. Also – once again, YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE of a part of this scene that doesn’t know whether it wants to be comedic or serious is when the HALLUCINOGENIC PRODUCT PLACEMENTS start crying…. I…. have… no comment… This film has been advertising so much during this, I’ll just let their product placements slide from now on…. Anyway, Davey comes in from the shadows, and…. this film tries to redeem itself… once again, it has NO CHANCE. All of the townspeople come in, and… after they force in another joke of Tom… stabbing himself with his hook hand…. The mayor gives Whitey the 35th Patch Award… but not just the 35th, but all the other patches too…. Also, once again, the woman with three breasts having patches in a suggestive area is NOT funny… But the worst thing is that Davey STILL doesn’t get the punishment for what he did earlier in the film – once again, the film throws in every dirty manipulative trick to make us feel sympathy for a character who destroyed major parts of the town, broke into shopping centres, assaulted people, and said THIS – ‘Foul on this kid for eatin’ everything in sight… Jellyjugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a BRA, okay?’ - and this – ‘Smell you later, poop-sicle! *laughs evilly, and walks away*’ – and of course, THIS – ‘Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins that nobody even gives a cr** about, you two are definitely winning… But that patch thing ain’t ever gonna happen for ya… because the truth is… Nobody in this town even knows you EXIST!’ – and finally THIS – ‘Good, your house SUCKS!’ Yeah – once again, I HATE him, and NOTHING you can do can make me like him – the so called redemption is so unbelievable, so rushed, and so uninspiring that it also fails to deliver the SLIGHTEST bit of sympathy towards this character…. He’s my second most hated character in animation for a good reason…. I mean, the only GOOD thing I can say about him is that he’s not a flanderised portrayal of a childhood icon, and he doesn’t torture animals endlessly and keep them alive so he can enjoy their torment, treat his partner like a lesser being, or beat up someone while in labour…. That was the Adult Party Cartoon version of Ren Hoek, by the way…. So, Davey isn’t THAT bad… But not much better either…

Whitey wishes Davey a Happy Hanukkah (Oh yeah – this film was about HANUKKAH, wasn’t it!?! I almost forgot! ), and… they continue working in Whitey’s screeching voice, Davey and Jennifer get together because….. the plot demands it (seriously, did they ever share ANY chemistry together?! Before people complain about Twilight Sparkle and Flash Sentry being boyfriend and girlfriend, they at least SHARED CHEMISTRY together in Equestria Girls, even if Flash Sentry, sadly, didn’t get much screentime), the film forgets that it’s trying to be serious here, and works in annoying jokes about tongue kissing, Eleanor threatening to drop-kick the teeth out of their mouths, the three breasted lady… BREASTFEEDING three babies who are making disgusting slurping noises - once again, NOT FUNNY - Whitey SCREECHING the last line of the song, and…. believe it or not, Whitey having ONE MORE SEIZURE…. SEIZURES ARE NOT FUNNY!!! Oh, and they just ignore this by having Whitey say ‘This is the happiest seizure of my life!’ And he gives out a sigh which I can only imagine is him passing out…. or... worse....

…..And THAT’S how the film ends…. THANK HEAVEN that it’s FINALLY over…. :icononionsigh-plz: Thank you SO much for your kind words and support throughout my time while reviewing this… because…. I NEEDED help while reviewing this one…. And strangely enough… even though it’s over… the pain remains….

This movie is Santa's mistake.

I remember this from a few years back, it made me cringe the poor quality of the plot, acting singing, and the general lack of goodness of the film, disgusted me, urgh.

This film is a mess. It's one of the few times GOOD animation works against the film because it doesn't work with Adams trademark gross out humor. Even with the backstory of his parents being killed they make the main character too unlikeable to sympathize with(there is a fine line between having a sympathetic backstory and actually BEING sympathetic) all throughout the movie were supposed to laugh at the old mans freakishness but then the movie tries to make us feel bad for doing so. I hope you rip this film a new one then burn the body

Now........................ This may not be worse than "Boku No Pico" BUT TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!! It is bad....... I mean why did Adam Sandler have to MAKE THIS ATROCITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I Mean.................... "Eight Crazy Nights" had to be one of the worst MOVIE HE MADE (Well that and "Jack And Jill") Well at least he redeemed himself on his second animated Movie "Hotel Transylvania" (Which I  like) BUT STILL This movie IS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I never saw the movie (glad I didn't) only saw Nostalgia Critic's review of it. But yeah, watch out for Whitey's voice, deers, and such.

Talk about a shit movie (literally since it has shit jokes)

no....NO.....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I heard of it, and saw a review of it by Cartoon Palooza's Joey Tedesco, and all I got to say is thank god I'm not gonna see it. Oh and I agree with him on what he said about that movie doing the kind of thing they blamed "Home on the Range" for, which is the death of hand-drawn animation. So I say Let's give that movie some payback for what it did to "Home on the Range" and hand-drawn animation.   In order to do that, we'll need an ice box full of Fosters beer (lended to us by the Bruce Philosophy Club from the University of Woolamaloo in Australia), some guns, and the power of goodness to protect us from anything bad. And also an aspirin.

You know, other animated movies like Food Fight or pretty much ANYTHING by Video Brinquedo or Dingo Pictures might be worse on a TECHNICAL Level, but honestly, I HATE this movie MORE if only for how EXTREMELY Unpleasant and annoying it is! It's like ALLEN GREGORY THE MOVIE!!!!!! It can just go screw itself!!!

MAAAAN!!!! This movie is just HORRIBLE! I hope it gets back to hell where it belongs! Adam Sandler, what did we do to deserve this? 

I must confess that even if this is a bad movie, it did have its moments, and was right about something; that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.Still there was no need for such gross/disgusting humor like Whitey being covered in shit or the reindeer pooping. I think being covered in crap is everyone's worst nightmare  Even Santa Clause himself would never approve of this film.

Poop Eating Reindeers? An old man that doesnt even sound like an old man, but rather like a joke? The list could go on. This movie is GROSS!!!!

I hope these warnings are insightful. Adam Sandler's parents provided their own voices for Davey's parents. Strangely enough,Sandler's dad died a year later. The film was originally called Davey and Whitey. The animators from The Iron Giant worked on this movie. Jennifer is voiced by Adam Sandler's wife, even though she has a different actor do her singing. The film received a kids choice nomination [What a surprise] and a few Razzie nominations. All the product placements were used without permission. Metascore ranks this film 23 out of 100.Whitey dances to Mr. Roboto in a scene. However,the song came out in 1983,and the scene took place in 1981.

I was actually somewhat touched by this movie. I really should've woken up, since really looking at this movie, it really IS that bad.

beautiful animation ruined by horrid writing

Eight Crazy Nights... 'no, just, no' doesn't even begin to describe this film. On the surface, it looks like one of those nice-looking holiday films you see every year on TV. But when we get down to it, it turns out to be one of the biggest holiday farces inflicted upon man itself. First, let's start with the animation. There's no denying it, this animation, for 2002, looks really nice to look at (at least at first). It's fluid, easy upon the eyes, and the colours do look nice, especially for the 'Long Ago' sequence. However, this ends up becoming more like bait for unsuspecting/blind viewers. We have images of faeces, urine, and snot projected, in a bid to make it feel really mature. Yeah, say what you want about how Legends of the Guardians: Owls of Gahoole was extremely inaccurate to the books, especially upon the character's species. At least they actually match the real life species with what we see on screen. (And to me, that film's nothing more than eye candy), and it's actually nice to look at. Here, the visuals seen on screen are just a bid to make the film more mature than it actually is. Those visuals would feel much more at home in Brickleberry or modern Family Guy, not something like Summer Wars or The Land Before Time. As Mr. Enter said, there is more to adult animation than bathroom/offensive humour, and saying 'f*ck' over and over again, just ask Attack on Titan, for example. That's not even getting into the story. To point out, there is nothing inherently wrong with a 'redeeming the jerk' film. That, like a 'Slice of Life' film (exhibit A: Gekijouban Doubutsu no Mori) can be executed well if one does it correctly. Problem is, Eight Crazy Nights f*cks this up drastically. If you want us to root for your jerk, make sure he has some likeable aspects. When we are introduced to Davey, he's nothing more than an a-hole. No redeeming quality to him whatsoever. Even in his song he admits he wants to make everyone miserable. At the end, I wanted him to repent far beyond saying 'I'm sorry I was a d*ck for the entire film', or at least, not have a happy ending. He's generally one of the worst people in animation. It makes me question why people bash Shinji Ikari from Evangelion for being a wimp piloting a mecha, when he has to go through pressure throughout the series, without even a thank you. Hell, I can't justify Davey's behaviour due to the death of his parents. Yes, it's heartbreaking he lost them, but that doesn't justify making everyone else miserable for sh*ts and giggles. F*ck him. F*ck him to hell. Whitey, well, despite his grating voice, I felt sorry for. He suffers throughout the entire movie for existing. We are supposed to find his predicament hilarious. What he concurs throughout the film could kill you in real life. That's not funny. In fact, the torture he gets from the townspeople I feel has been done to make Davey look good. It doesn't work, trust me. As for the (in-film) songs: 'Davey's Song' is pretty much saying "turn the film off while you still can" IN SONG. While it does have a nice tune to it, it's wrecked by Davey singing about he hates people being happy. Adam Sandler has a nice voice, I'll give him that, but that feels like a lure, a false sense of security the film places us in. 'Patch Song' is basically a motive song, but I couldn't stand it because Sandler screeches his was through the song. Half the time, I couldn't understand what he said throughout it. 'Long Ago' feels like a nice song. It does show what Davey was like in the past, but it's marred by pointless segways that feel more like half arsed attempts at humour at a serious song. 'Technical Foul' was the song I was the most disappointed with. If you recall the 'Patch Song', the screeching throughout was godawful, but at least I could understand what Whitey said most of the time this time. In fact, there was a good dynamic here: If I replaced Davey and Whitey with 2 better characters, then this song suddenly becomes much more tolerable. 'Intervention Song': Foodfight!: The Musical. That is all. 'Bum Biddy' was supposed to redeem Davey, but no. All he does is sing this, and bam, suddenly, he's well liked. This is the only thing related to Hanukah we have in the film. So in short. It's godawful. I want to wish you all the best in taking down Cheapass Ceegee and this film.

……Do you folks want to know what the sad thing is? Some people say that this isn’t even the WORST of the Happy Madison films…. Is it? I DON’T KNOW. I haven’t watched any other of the Happy Madison films… and considering how this film is the WORST film I’ve reviewed so far, and most likely, the worst film I ever WILL review…. I’m not GOING to watch any other of the Happy Madison films… I REFUSE to. The film is far too disturbing, disgusting and cruel to be REMOTELY comedic, and it attempts way too many cruel jokes for it to be serious…. And oddly enough, it becomes so confusing, that it actually begins to feel that the so called ‘serious’ scenes are attempts at jokes in their own right…. No matter what this film WANTS to be – a comedic parody of a holiday film or a serious holiday film in its own right – it has no idea what end goal it wants to get to, has no idea how to get there, and has absolutely NO payoff for any efforts that it even ATTEMPTED to put into it…. All of the ‘jokes’ that are worked into this film are disgusting, disturbing, unpleasant, cruel and offensive, and they don’t even understand the BASICS of comedy, and it attempts so many running jokes that you can even begin to predict the punchline before the joke even arises…. And it makes an already horrible joke even WORSE…. The main characters are some of the WORST that I’ve ever seen in my life – either due to being nothing but walking punchlines or the worst kind of human being imaginable…. The voice acting and songs are terrible….. And even the animation fails, because the animation style doesn’t fit the mean-spirited tone of the film AT ALL, and just ends up pouring salt into the wounds when it works in scenes that just feel HORRIBLY out of place….. And to top it all off – there’s barely ANY reference to Christmas OR Hanukkah throughout the whole thing, and when it DOES reference the holidays it’s supposed to be representing, it’s either to work in a lazy attempt at comedy or as a scene that just feels like a last minute add-on… And once again, I must stress the fact that this film has a 12A certificate, but throws in scenes that wouldn’t be out of place in Mr Pickles or Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party Cartoon… Now, some of you may think that this film is supposed to be mean-spirited and disgusting intentionally…. Holiday films that are specifically about the charm of the holidays themselves are supposed to have a feeling of hope, peace and goodwill at their core… They’ve ALWAYS had that peaceful, joyous charm to them…. I’m not saying that holiday films CAN’T do comedy – after all, just look at A Christmas Story, Bad Santa and Elf – but bottom line, they’re supposed to have a ‘joy to the world’ feeling to them. Even BAD SANTA does this kind of ‘jerk undergoing redemption at Christmas’ plot much better because the main character DOES change his ways in the end, and he’s surprisingly MORE likeable than Davey Stone is…. Going into Eight Crazy Nights for a feel good festive feelings is like going into Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga’Hoole, for a faithful representation of the Kathryn Lasky book series – you’re just NOT going to find it anywhere!

Lastly – for those of you who are asking me why I don’t find Food Fight or The Wild worse…. What’s the WORST things that those two films do? Have horrible animation, terrible conflicts or stupid jokes? Oh, they have Charlie Sheen saying ‘Frankly my dear, I don’t give a spam’ and wildebeests wanting to be carnivores, even though wildebeests can’t eat meat…. After watching Eight Crazy Nights, I’ve now realised that there’s more ways to insult an audience member than simply throwing in low quality animation, terrible jokes or stupid conflicts…. It’s the same reason why I hate The Flight Before Christmas more than I hate Alpha and Omega…. In fact, you could call Eight Crazy Nights ‘the satanic lovechild of The Flight Before Christmas and Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party Cartoon’….. Think about it for a moment – it has terribly confused morals that fail to capture the festive spirit, tons of unnecessary gross-out, HORRIBLY mean-spirited jokes, annoying songs, disturbing implications that do NOT belong in a holiday film at ALL, horrid portrayals of homosexuals, women, ethnic minorities, and the ending moral is the kind of thing that could actually get someone KILLED if they followed it to heart….

……However, unlike The Flight Before Christmas, not only did I legitimately feel like quitting halfway through watching this, but….. I felt a good part of myself DIE inside after watching this film…. I… I…. felt… BROKEN inside after this film was over… Yes…. I find Eight Crazy Nights to be a film that is that…. TERRIFYINGLY…. BAD…

……Well…. One GOOD thing has come out of reviewing this film…. The worst is behind me… So, this now means that I’ll be able to get back into the festive spirit and move on to a GOOD holiday film. Now, I know this next film isn’t SPECIFICALLY Christmas themed, but I personally feel that the themes it tackles – people of all walks of life coming together and overcoming their differences – is a good holiday message…. A much BETTER one than Eight Crazy Nights’, that’s for sure… And plus, it has SNOW in it. Now, that may seem like a bit of a dumb reason to review a Christmas film – but snow has a very Christmassy feel to it – which is why I’m also planning to review Anastasia in December. It may not be a film you’ve heard of, but I’ve got a good feeling about it after what I’ve read about it.

So, next time I’ll be reviewing the anime film Arashi no Yoru ni…. Translated in English to…. One Stormy Night.

157. Arashi no Yoru ni (One Stormy Night)

158. Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Enchanted Christmas 

???. The Nuttiest Nutcracker 

???. Arthur Christmas

???. Anastasia

???. Edward Scissorhands

???. Festive Shorts – The Small One and The Little Match Girl