DT: Freddy Got Fingered ~ 2001 (Part 1)

Directors: Tom Green
Rating: 18
My Personal Rating:

So the film begins with the main character, a cartoonist, looking over his drawings. His character he’s made is a character called ‘X-Ray Cat’. To be perfectly honest, looking at his drawings could have SOME potential to be interesting if not for the film shoving one of its main problems in…. TOM GREEN’S VOICE IS OBNOXIOUS. It’s one of those rare voices that have the potential to cause MIGRAINES – it sounds an awful lot like a male version of Sarah Silverman’s voice (yeah, sorry everyone – but I’m still not a Sarah Silverman fan ) – but I will say this – Vanellope Von Schweetz voice took seconds to annoy me – Tom Green’s voice annoys me INSTANTLY. When he shows the next drawing about a…. banana getting a job as a telephone repairman, I was personally thinking ‘God damn it, Tom Green – those drawings in front of me are a MILLION times more entertaining than your voice ever will be – just SHUT UP!’ The camera zooms out, and shows the main character continue to have… a mental breakdown on his bed, before he goes out and rides a skateboard to meet his parents…. While… narrowly missing people through a shopping centre he skateboards through. And…. already this film is reminding me of Eight Crazy Nights…. It’s bringing back memories of that song from the start of Eight Crazy Nights where Davey is destroying the town – including skateboarding on a dustbin lid and wreaking havoc…. And this is what Tom Green’s character starts doing, narrowly missing people, ignoring the guards of the shopping centre calling after him and…. causing a guard to BUMP INTO A MAN WITH A ZIMMERFRAME. ….And I’m supposed to care about the main character…. HOW? Now, I will admit, one joke that COULD have worked is one scene where Green’s character, on his skateboard, rams into a glass door, the skater music stops, he gets back on his skateboard by walking calmly out the door, and then continues on the skateboard. See… there’s an IDEA for a joke there, but it’s not fully realised – mostly because I don’t CARE about this character and WANTED to see him get caught.

Tom Green’s character, whose name is revealed to be Gordon Brody, meets up with his parents, played by Rip Torn and Julie Hagerty. Wait a minute?! The guy who voiced ZEUS from Hercules in in this?! Rip, what are you doing here, my friend?! Were you held under contract or something?! Luckily, you moved onto Dodgeball, a much BETTER comedy after this, so at least this didn’t kill your career or anything, but…. you deserve better than THIS….   And as for Julie Hagerty…. Wasn’t she the female lead in Airplane? You went from one of the most well-loved comedies of all time to one of the most AHTED comedies of all time, Julie…. Bit of a downgrade… Anyway, Gordon meets up with his parents, and it’s revealed that he’s leaving for Hollywood to get a job in a cheese sandwich factory (and unfortunately, Cheese Sandwich from Friendship is Magic will probably NOT be there to spice things up with his accordion playing ), as a possibility to pitch his drawings to a big animation studio. Okay… mate, in Cats Don’t Dance, Danny had a hard time pitching an act of animals with ACTUAL TALENT…. I don’t think your John R. Dilworth rip-off scribblings will bring much attention… Gordon’s father is pretty much the stereotypical comedy father who doesn’t think much of his son’s hobbies, and he says ‘At least you’re getting out of your daddy’s basement….’ Hmm, well at least it’s more believable than in Biodome where Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin SOMEHOW managed to get a nice house despite being menaces to society… They then partake in a scene which is almost funny – a scene with Gordon’s mother kissing him goodbye. It could have been funny if they didn’t REPEAT it OVER AND OVER again…. It goes on for nearly TEN seconds…. As a parting gift, Gordon’s parents bought him a new car for him to drive to Los Angeles…. Erm… THIS guy is going to be driving?! I’m sorry, but I think I’d rather put my faith in MODERN SPONGEBOB driving… By the way, they keep cutting to this one young man who I think is meant to be Gordon’s younger brother – and he questions why Gordon is getting a new car and the brother, named Freddy, isn’t…. The next line from Gordon made me have to stop the film for a bit…. ‘It’s because they love me more than they love you.’ WOW. I HATE YOU ALREADY. And they try making a ‘joke’ about them arguing over there aren’t two new cars… but… why are they treating this scene like it’s supposed to be a comedy routine? It’s a douchebag brother treating his younger brother like a lesser human being… Th-that’s NOT a joke. In fact, like with Eight Crazy Nights, I’m not sure whether this was intended to be funny or serious – the film didn’t really make that clear…. Anyway… Gordon promises his father that he’ll make him proud…. Unless he’ll do that by becoming a musclebound demigod who beats up badly CGI-d hydras, I’m not really interested… And then, Gordon leaves and commits an act that I sadly end up seeing a lot of ‘experienced drivers’ do on my driving lessons – NOT look where they’re driving and honk their horns at the pedestrians and yell ‘get the f*** out of the way!’ like it’s the pedestrians’ fault…..

After Rip Torn says ‘He’s grown up… he’s finally gone…’ and then cheers (and to be honest, that was kind of a funny moment – I bet ANYONE who’s the father of a TOM GREEN character would be happy to see him go ), Tom Green drives from Portland to Hollywood, and…. drives past a farm. And now this film comes to one of the WORST running jokes I have ever seen….. Tom Green’s obsession with animal genitalia…. It turns out that this farm is a stud farm – a farm where horses are kept for breeding. The farmers are about to check a stallion’s health by checking it’s private parts, but this will sadly not turn out like they hoped, because Gordon… BREAKS a few laws to be honest – he jumps the fence, trespasses on farm-land, runs up to the horse, and…..

*while giving the horse a… handjob *Look at me, daddy, I’m a farmer! Look at me, daddy! Look at me, daddy, I’m a farmer!

…….Tom Green…. HOW OLD are you?! This is the kind of thing that SECONDARY SCHOOL children do – and you’re probably just as mature as them – doing things similar to calling people ‘gay’ as an insult while being obsessed with genitalia at the same time…. And… yes, as sad as I am to say, Gordon’s obsession with giving sexual pleasuring to animals is a RUNNING JOKE in the film…. This is going to be a FUN one, isn’t it?! Anyway, after….. that, Gordon arrives in Hollywood, and goes to his job in the cheese sandwich factory….. and starts putting cheese on the sandwiches without wearing gloves…. And in an earlier scene, he fondled a horse’s junk, and I’m not entirely sure whether he washed his hands…. Ewww… I’m really glad I’M not the one eating those cheese sandwiches…. And then he… grabs a large sausage from the counter, places it on his crotch, and…. starts yelling ‘I’m a sexy boy! Ding dong! Ding dong!’ …..I… I’ve got nothing…. It’s only TEN minutes in, but this film has rendered me absolutely speechless… How is this funny?! Just randomly throwing innuendos don’t automatically make them funny! You need CONTEXT…. For example, there were some rather amusing innuendo jokes in the Danganronpa series, and those worked because of them being well placed in context to the dialogue between the characters – they didn’t just throw in random shots of characters putting sausages on their crotches or fondling the junk of animals….. Anyway, Gordon…. Ignores security to get to his meeting, and he… PRETENDS to be the man who the studio was expected…. And now the film comes up with a rather painful sequence where Gordon LIES about the manager’s wife having died to get a meeting with him…. And then he uses the situation to HIT on someone he’s psychologically tormented with the news of someone’s death…. Wow…. I feel nothing but anger and contempt for you right now… How the HELL am I supposed to care for you?! And the film gives me even MORE reason not to care, as he….. dresses up as a police officer to meet up with the head of the animation studio, named Dave Davidson…. Generic name is generic… and not funny. After he… chases Dave out of the restaurant, he manages to show him his drawings, and.... I will be perfectly honest, those drawings looked kind of good earlier, but upon hearing Gordon’s ramblings about the concept of the show of X-Ray Cat…. I’m beginning to lose interest in it – a LOT. And now, Dave sums up the film in a nutshell – ‘Your drawings are pretty good, but it doesn’t make any sense. Okay? It’s f***ing stupid… Okay? What you need here is elevation… There has to be something that happens that’s actually funny…’ Wow… film, you’re pretty much explaining your own flaws for me… And Gordon’s ‘funny’ moments in the cartoon boil down to…. A balloon attached to a banana attached to a bag of bloody baboon eyes… That’s supposed to be funny? You know…. With something as poorly made as Gordon’s cartoon, the lack of logic, pointlessness and downright lack of reason for existing…. I think I may have tracked down the idiot who greenlit Mega Evolutions in Pokemon…. *people start booing me*

As Dave aptly says, ‘It sucks’ – prompting Gordon to… pretend to shoot himself in the mouth…. Oh good, POORLY MADE SUICIDE JOKES! Just what I needed…. Dave tells Gordon that he needs to get into the characters of the animals he’s made to figure their characters out, and then drives off…. And then the next scene, where Gordon comes across a roadkilled stag on a forest road shows him taking this advice a bit too literally… Rather than leaving the magnificent animal in a more dignified death and position, he takes a pocket knife out of his bag, skins the stag, and… wears the stag’s skin on his back while acting like…. I don’t even know… I’d say that this guy is no doubt an escaped mental patient or something – just like Butt and Doyle from Biodome, there is NO way that this….. incompetent annoying WASTE OF LIFE is a normal functioning human being…. But on the other hand, yet another ‘joke’ fails – Gordon gets hit by a truck, but… strangely, and sadly, he survives. He then walks off… leaving that stag skin scene to be COMPLETELY forgotten, never to be mentioned again…. EITHER BE FUNNY OR GET TO THE PLOT!! *Gordon drives by the stud farm again, where he stops to see two horses breeding, while eating sandwiches messily in a manner that would make BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD shake their heads in contempt* ….. Oh Jesus, not THIS again… Anyway, he drives back home, and stops outside a house where a young boy randomly runs up to him, trips over the kerb, and….. *sees the boy slam his head on the car , Gordon show NO reaction it at ALL, and the boy’s father pull him away, revealing the boy’s now……. Blooded face – which LITERALLY made me cover my mouth in shock when I first saw it* SWEET MERCY OF EVERYTHING MERCIFUL, IS THAT CRUEL!! And…. that’s how the scene ENDS… the young boy yelling in pain with a horribly blooded face….. And no, this wasn’t mean to be serious, this was played for LAUGHS, believe it or not…. A young boy brutally MANGLING his face on a car door… Once again, film… Th… that’s not a JOKE… That’s just HORRIFYING…. And… believe it or not, this is what composes of most of this ‘film’ – horribly pointless and painful scenes that are not funny in the SLIGHTEST – believe it or not, this is reminding me more and more of things like Modern Family Guy…. It certainly has the jokes be as bad and DRAG ON for as long as Family Guy’s jokes….. And worst of all…. We’re not even 20 minutes in….

Cut to a Gordon’s parents sitting down to a meal, having roast beef for tea. Gordon pretty much acts like a whiny spoilt brat here and places what he wants for tea on his plate…… a CHICKEN SANDWICH he got from a fast food restaurant…. I HATE YOU. Your parents COOKED you that, you ungrateful douchebag – and you just pass it off as ‘boring’?! And I will admit….. I feel like I’m on the side of the father here - Rip Torn throws the chicken sandwich to their two dogs to eat, and says ‘you can eat that roast beef, or you can go to bed’…… Now, I personally feel Gordon DESERVES that. After that…. Incredibly important scene… we get yet ANOTHER pointless scene – Gordon and a friend of his are… building a skateboard ramp… at night. ….Why the heck are you building it NOW?! Oh yeah, that’s right – to partake in more terrible, terrible jokes… They wake up the whole neighbourhood, including Andy – that boy who now has a scarred face from that horrible wound he received earlier…. And Rip Torn gives a bellowing yell out the window that goes on for way too long… Come on, you voiced ZEUS, Rip – can’t you get some THUNDERBOLTS to throw at Tom Green, to fry his arse to kingdom come?!

Alright, let me try to think a bit more about what the mindset of this film may be… if it can even be considered to have a mind at all….. One thing in general that I think this film TRIES to do is take typical scenes that you may see in everyday comedy films, and subvert them as much as possible…. Kind of a parody of bad comedy films - that doesn't excuse a lot of the things that are going on, because parody can be just as lazy as bad comedy, but I can kind of see some reason for it. But, it doesn’t work because every single time you can predict the joke…. For example, Gordon’s friend says how his shoes aren’t the right shoes to wear on a skateboard ramp, but Gordon gives him the skateboard and convinces him to have a go anyway - GUESS THE JOKE! Yeah, the friend tries skateboarding and breaks his knee. SURPRISED?! And we get to see the knee wound in all of its MESSY glory… Bringing back even MORE memories of Modern Family Guy….. Haha, it’s funny because the man is screaming in pain with a broken knee, which Gordon is LICKING rather than attempting to treat, which was made worse by Rip Torn THROWING the skateboard onto…. Actually, that’s not funny at all – it’s VERY, VERY DISTURBING.

The next scene starts with Gordon heading into a hospital, and walks up to the receptionist, who is…. Flicking one of those little pots of milk you get from hotels..... I don’t get it…. After an incredibly weird moment where the receptionist says ‘some people here die of cancer’, and then they just shrug that line off (the.....way that line was written, I can kind is coming from, but it's just out of place....), the receptionist introduces herself as Betty. And then they start taking part in yet another awkward conversation…. Where Betty says she’s a rocket scientist, and Gordon LIES about being an investment consultant…. WHY?! What are you lying about that? After they ramble on in an extremely BORING conversation that is as unfunny as it is boring, they promise to meet up after Betty’s work is over – and then Betty, who is revealed to be paraplegic and wheelchair bound, goes off in a wheelchair, because…. Subversive? I… really don’t know why they decided to put her in a wheelchair at the moment, but I have a feeling this will result in MORE painful scenes later…. And then…. Gordon….. skateboards into the hospital ward….. this cannot end well…. He starts out by… randomly talking to a man who has his leg in a cast bound up, with a pregnant lady in the bed next to him. She asks Gordon to be quiet, so…. Guess what Gordon does? IGNORE the expectant mother’s pleas and KEEP ON YAPPING…. Then he…. Tips over a counter of towels…. HA. HA. HA. He’s clumsy….. HILARIOUS. And now…. Well, I personally think Gordon is most likely a live action version of DAVEY STONE from Eight Crazy Nights… Yes, I said it! Stupid, lacking any emotions or care to those around him, is obsolete, always makes a mess, and makes absolutely NO contribution to functioning society as a whole….. And then Gordon says that he doesn't find Betty attractive when he finds out she's wheelchair bound..... XC ......Yeah, the thought of someone being prejudiced towards the disabled - THAT'S going to make me like this character! ....This character is a SOCIOPATH, plain and simple - shown by the fact that he TUGS on his friend’s broken leg (he came to the hospital to visit him) without ANY respect for him..... And.... the pregnant lady in the bed next to him starts to go into labour.... Knowing my history with unpleasant labour scenes in media.... this is NOT going to go well..... And now, an Indian woman in the bed opposite starts beating a drum when the woman goes into labour..... YEAH, wouldn't be a terrible comedy without racist stereotypes…. Gordon sees the woman about to go into labour, and…… …..Oh no…. He’s not….. *sees Gordon walk closer to the expectant mother* He's.... he's not..... He's.... honestly not...... ........Please don't say Gordon, a man who is a hazard to everyone around him, destroys everything he touches, shows no compassion for human life, is one of the worst types of sociopath and has NO MEDICAL TRAINING WHATSOEVER is.... going to DELIVER a baby himself....... *feels my pulse racing in fear* WHERE ARE THE DOCTORS IN THIS HOSPITAL?! SECURITY, VISITORS?! ANYONE?! THIS MAN IS CLEARLY UNHEALTHY! And.... they treat the mother yelling in pain as Gordon stares at her as a joke..... ... APOLOGIES TO MOTHERS AND EXPECTANT MOTHERS EVERYWHERE. I hate how this scene is just DRAWN out.... Just like scenes in Adam Sandler comedies, Ren and Stimpy’s Adult Party Cartoon, Mr Pickles, and Modern Family Guy – they keep holding on a scene, building up to the so-called ‘comedy’ moments, but it just makes me cringe and tense up when I know an absolutely horrid punchline is coming… I know it's coming, but they're just drawing it out..... Why don't they just - *Gordon pulls the baby out of the mother’s birth canal, pulling the umbilical cord tight – with the mother no doubt in very deep physical pain* OH HOLY JESUS CHRIST IN HEAVEN THAT'S DISTURBING!!!! *literally retches* Because…. Yeah, I really wanted to see him pull the baby out...... And I REALLY wanted to see the see the scene where he BITES off the umbilical cord getting blood in his mouth, and... to wake the baby up, he.... SWINGS IT AROUND BY ITS UMBILICAL CORD...... Complete with blood spraying everywhere...... I’m… getting some serious Ren Seeks Help flashbacks here…. It’s almost like this scene is what INSPIRED the scene in Ren Seeks Help where it SHOWS the APC version of Ren being born, and the umbilical cord being sliced….. And.... this scene reminds me an awful lot of Stimpy's Pregnant - ANOTHER horrid piece of media with a horribly drawn out labour scene that thinks that just because it ends in a scene where the mother holds the baby, 'parodying' the moment when a mother gets to see her baby, will REDEEM it..... Note: IT DOESN'T. That scene was one of the most sickening scenes I have ever seen in my life...... The scene, no joke, made me literally RETCH the first time I saw it…. It looks REALISTIC – and I don’t need to say this, but a newborn baby being physically TORMENTED is NOT funny – NO comedy in this or any age should have a baby being physically abused – I didn’t think anyone would need that saying to them, but according to this film and Stimpy’s Pregnant – there are people who need telling that. First is what Stimpy’s Pregnant making fun of babies who die in childbirth and end up coming out in pieces, and now it’s a baby possibly being given birth defects or some kind of traumatic pain that will leave permanent effects – yes, before you say that ‘oh, it’s only a baby – it won’t remember this’ – NO. That is NO excuse – a lot of things that happen to a baby early in life can have knock on effects on what happens later – like those babies who fall deathly ill during their first few weeks of life, and suffer birth defects….. And no doubt SWINGING A BABY by its umbilical cord will be something that can leave long term damage! :iconstimpywthplz: Rule number 1 of comedy - Under NO circumstances should a baby be put in any kind of physical pain for COMEDIC purposes…. This is something that EVERY functioning human being shouldn’t have to be reminded of…… I’m…. I’m sorry, I have to leave for a bit…. I’ll… be right back….. *rushes to the bathroom, and stares at myself in the mirror for a while…. Contemplating my life choices for a few hours*

Okay….. on we go! So, after…. The worst scene involving a newborn baby since the baby coming out in pieces in Stimpy’s Pregnant, Gordon claims that he’s a hero as he’s evicted from the hospital…… yeah, they just evict him from the hospital rather than do what any SANE person would do – ARREST HIM. What is up with these terrible comedies and the main characters doing something heinous yet evading a prison sentence? And… hold on…. HERO?! ……You’re no hero, Gordon….. I don’t need to say any more. He goes to the house of Betty, who shows Gordon that she has a fascination with rockets….. which is flat out stated to be an unsubtle innuendo…. God, how many penis innuendos ARE there in this film?! It’s…. NOT funny. And now he…. Is asked by Betty to…. Slap her legs with a bamboo cane…. As she calls him a p***y in a very, VERY annoying voice…. Oh great, now we have ANOTHER worse version of Sarah Silverman on our hands…. And needless to say, I don’t find a scene with a man repeatedly SWATTING a woman’s paraplegic legs while she yells out in masochistic glee for a solid minute funny in the slightest…. Neither do I find it funny when he swats her in the FACE at full force….. Yeah, because abusing a paraplegic woman is HILARIOUS…. That was sarcasm, by the way… And now Betty IMMEDIATELY tries to get into Gordon’s pants and…. give him a blowjob… Seeing an umbilical cord…. Randomly taped onto his stomach… for fun…. I… I don’t get it…. I mean, are you suggesting that he got that umbilical cord from – GAGH! DON’T REMIND ME OF THAT SCENE!! Anyway, the wheelchair bound Betty gets around the umbilical cord and…. Tom Green looks like he’s just been KNEED in the pills rather than just received pleasure…

The next day, Freddy talks about how he’s grown up and living his own life, getting his own hold on life, while… the freak of nature known as Gordon is using up all of the shower water, and for some reason is in a scuba diving suit while in the shower…. Good heavens, we’re only 33 minutes in – HOW MANY BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENTS ARE THERE!? And now Gordon starts treating soap on a rope as a treasure…. Okay, Tom Green, let me ask again – HOW OLD ARE YOU?! You were THIRTY YEARS old when this film was released, Tom – I’d expect you to act like one… Not repeat jokes that go on for longer than a bad Family Guy sketch…. I mean it when I say that while Biodome did have literally NOTHING happen for over half of its run time, it did at least get to something resembling a plot before it started throwing in terrible joke after terrible joke – that is something that this film has yet to do. EITHER BE FUNNY OR GET TO THE PLOT!!! After way too long of nothing important happening, Gordon’s father comes back home and sees his son dressed up in a tuxedo… back to front…. Okay, this is what people in comedy like to call ‘TRYING TOO HARD’. It is NOT funny seeing Gordon lie to his father about getting a job and calling himself ‘The Backwards Man’ and describe the basic contents of a pencil case…. You know, I wonder how much it will hurt Rip Torn when he learns his son doesn’t actually HAVE a job…. I mean it, out of all the characters in this film, only TWO characters are ones I feel ANY kind of sympathy towards – Freddy and Rip Torn – and yet, for some reason, the sympathetic characters are constantly at the mercy of the main character…. Kind of reminds me of something…. Oh yeah, the Grandfather from Mr Pickles! And something tells me something bad is going to happen to Freddy and Rip Torn later on…. But now we have…. More Betty leg whipping…. Erm, under NO circumstances should I ever see Betty try to give Gordon a blowjob after he BEAT HER PARAPLEGIC LEGS with a riding crop! It’s NOT funny… it’s CRINGEWORTHY, if anything. Gordon FINALLY does something resembling any kind of sense, as he tells Betty that it doesn’t feel like an intimate relationship unless they go on a date – all she’s been doing is giving him oral sex…. And YES, I find it disgusting how much Betty wants to get into Gordon’s pants at no real provocation and not knowing him that well… NO, gender does NOT make a difference – both are wrong and both disgust me!

Gordon takes Betty to a fancy restaurant….. A classic setting for hi-jinks in comedy films like Ace Ventura….. How does this film mess it up? Well…. Let’s start off by having Rip Torn lick his teeth disgustingly opposite his wife, trying to turn her on…. I.. think. Anyway, it’s disturbing… STOP IT. And he later says he needs to ‘spill some urine’…. AAAAND there went my respect for this character. Great going, film – you made me completely LOSE my respect for a character…. Now only ONE character is left for me to care for, and I can tell this film will botch Freddy too… Speaking of disturbing, that boy from earlier who had his head bash into Gordon’s car is here with his father, who is ordering him a piece of cake. Let me guess – he’s going to get horribly maimed under no fault of his own, for no apparent reason and not doing anything to deserve any pain at all – oh, just wait for it. AND also speaking of disturbing – the Dysfunctional Odd Couple, Gordon and Betty are at the restaurant. Gordon starts…. Rambling about his job in another instance of… trying too hard… Okay, Tom Green… Did you ever write yourself a script? Because, to be perfectly honest… it feels like most of your dialogue in this film is made up on the spot… in a BAD WAY. Look, I respect actors who are able to improvise their lines and use retro-scripting to interpret their own dialogue and quirks into their scripts – like R. Lee Ermey – that guy’s done some GREAT improvised lines in his films – like Full Metal Jacket, where he ad-libbed all the dialogue in his film. And speaking of which, did you know ‘Here’s Johnny!’ from The Shining is an improvised line? But to the matter at hand… Tom Green… is NOT a good improviser… Most of the time, his lines keep dragging on and on to the point of boredom… Speaking of which, he now activates a tape recorder to give the impression he has a phone call on a transceiver he brings in. While that’s going on, Rip Torn goes to see Andy, the boy who I can TELL is going to get beat up soon, and hears Gordon shouting on his phone while he’s eating, and….. *yawn* Sorry… getting bored here. Rip Torn figures out that Gordon doesn’t have a real job, and… upon looking at Betty, he judges her for being disabled…. And… now the film delves into something I like to call – ‘How to Insult The Handicapped For Sickos’. Here’s how the exchange goes:

Betty: ‘What, you’ve got a problem with my legs?’

Rip: ‘No, YOU’VE got a problem with your legs – either that or you’re just lazy…’

….APOLOGIES TO PARAPLEGICS EVERYWHERE. Oh, and then he calls her retarded as he goes to spank his son who tries to tell his father to stop insulting her. Wow…. So, whenever he does something wrong, he gets praised for it, and when he does something RIGHT, he gets punished for it….. Erm…. Reality doesn’t work that way, Tom Green….. I know it’s a comedy, but you need SOME semblance of logic SOMEWHERE…. But I can tell there’s absolutely NO logic to be found, as Rip Torn starts spanking his thirty year old son in front of everyone, and Betty leaves. And…. now they go into food fight mode…. PREDICTABLE. Oh, and guess what, in ANOTHER predictable joke, Andy gets hit in the head with a glass bottle… HAHAHAHAHAHA. A child, who has done absolutely nothing to deserve pain, is constantly abused and hurt at every turn. You see, Tom Green, your plan to subvert standard scenes you often see in comedy films don’t work for ONE reason – there is NOTHING in that scene to subvert! It’s one thing to use parodies, and it’s one thing to be directly USING the things you’re trying to parody – you’re just missing the mark and straight up USING the clichés you’re trying to mock – and in some instances, you’re even MESSING UP the clichés! Take notes from Young Frankenstein, Spaceballs and Airplane… They took scenes that were typical in the film genre they were parodying and subverted them into something funny…. But just like Epic Movie and Stan Helsing, you can’t do the latter if you haven’t done the former! And now Gordon starts…. Wreaking havoc by destroying a violin after playing it terribly, and spraying everyone with drink dispensers. FINALLY, the police come to arrest him. Took them long enough….

*sees the next scene, and sees that Betty bailed Gordon out of prison* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God DAMN IT! I want to see this schmuck SUFFER! Gordon finally tells Betty that he draws cartoons, and wants to be an animator. Betty suggests that he try to relax while he draws, and try to listen to music and eat. Gordon tries to do them at the same time, and his plan is to – *sees that Gordon has tired ropes to his hands that hold sausages, and he’s playing a piano* …… This is just pure human idiocy, concentrated and distilled to a 100% yield…. Freddy sees that Gordon is drawing his father constantly get in his way and that he’s subconsciously drawing his father in his works getting in the way of his life…. Even though in those scenes that I saw drawn, GORDON was the one getting in the way of HIS life. Hypocrisy…. Rip Torn comes in, and then….

*while playing discordant notes on the piano* ‘Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages? Daddy, would you like some sausage?’

Grrrgh… No, I would NOT like some sausage…. Knowing you, these are most likely more phallic symbols to live out your X-rated fantasies….. But I WOULD like you to learn how to be funny – and not sing even worse than Wilma the Weasel….. Rip Torn destroys Gordon’s piano, and…. I’ve got to be honest here. Making Rip Torn into a horribly mean-spirited father (yes, he’s pretty much an abusive father at this point – OH JOY – JUST what this film needed, one of my least favourite clichés of all time… ), this doesn’t turn my sympathies back to Gordon. He has to do something to warrant my sympathy…. And so far, he’s constantly been a destructive man child who’s a threat to those around him….. So, yeah, as I said before, I flat out hate nearly EVERYONE in this film…. Speaking of which, now Rip Torn destroys the skateboard ramp that Gordon drove…. Which makes me hate Rip Torn even more, but doesn’t really bring back any sympathy for Gordon, because I remember what he did to Freddy on that ramp…. AND, he does something absolutely HORRIBLE next – he CONVINCES HIS OWN MOTHER to go out and have sex with different people…. Er… you’re convincing your own mother to become nothing more than a prostitute… Tell me again, what the hell am I supposed to like about this character?! And the way this film is showing this scene, I still can’t tell whether it’s trying to be funny or serious… but either way, it fails horribly.

Next, the family go to counselling, and this film only makes me hate both Rip Torn and Gordon even more…. Gordon for being annoyingly rebellious, and Rip Torn for disowning his own son. Look, even if your son is a menace to those around him, you should do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to support him – don’t just disown him like that! I mean, come on, it’s not like he’s suggesting that you sexually abused your other son – OH NO. They’re NOT…… THEY’RE HONESTLY NOT. …….So, YEAH – 50 MINUTES in, they finally get to why the name of the film is ‘Freddy Got Fingered’. YES – they make one of the most reprehensible plots in existence, and it takes them over half of the film to actually GET to it…. Gordon makes up a LIE that his father sexually harasses his own son…. …..I…. have nothing to say to this… I really don’t…. I… I can’t do this…. TOM GREEN. One question for you – do you want me to be offended by what you’re portraying here? You’re inserting a little THROWAWAY LINE, with no context, build up, rhyme or reason that a man’s son, on a whim, makes up a lie that his father is sexually harassing his younger brother…. And worst of all – you’re not playing it seriously at all…. YOU’RE TRYING TO INSERT IT FOR LAUGHS. You know what – it’s neither funny or serious…. It’s not funny, and it’s not insightful. So either way, this plot point fails…. But you know what the worst thing is – it’s not that Gordon makes up a lie that his father is sexually harassing his younger brother…. EVERYONE BELIEVES HIM! There’s no proof or evidence that he did that, and yet a FAMILY COUNSELLOR, a professional who is expected to be prepared for things like this, believes him with no evidence whatsoever….. And it’s played for laughs. As Gordon jumps out of the counsellor’s window. I have nothing but disgust for you right now, film…. After this scene, Gordon groping a horse’s penis, and him LYING that his father sexually harassed his own younger brother – there is NOTHING else you could POSSIBLY do to gross me out even more –

*sees a shot of a TV showing graphic surgery* I spoke too soon…. Just… WHY?! Anyway, cut to Freddy, who opens the door of the house, and is….. taken away by the counsellor, against his will, to a children’s home…. And yet again, they PLAY THIS SCENARIO FOR LAUGHS, complete with his mother yelling ‘Freddy, no!’ in an over the top way when she sees her younger son taken away. …..I….. I can’t help but CRINGE and feel completely DISGUSTED by this scene…. If I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, film – TORTURING A CHARACTER WHO DOES NOT DESERVE IT IS. NOT. FUNNY!!! Look at the expression of Gordon’s mom when she sees her son taken away – this film is playing this scene for laughs….. A terrified mother having her son taken away for NO REASON other than a horrible LIE her OTHER SON TOLD is not a joke, film…. I… I shouldn’t have to say this…. Gordon being horrible to everyone around him IS NOT FUNNY. Gordon getting away with all the horrid things he does to everyone IS NOT FUNNY. Freddy being abused at every turn IS NOT FUNNY. I’m not even sure if they’re TRYING to be funny! Again, just like Eight Crazy Nights, it’s far too disturbing and disgusting to be comedic, and it attempts way too many horrible jokes for it to be played straight – and it becomes so confused that it begins to feel like the disturbing things ARE the jokes the film is trying to tell….. Either way, no matter if it’s trying to be serious or funny, it fails BOTH WAYS. This film literally has NO value to ANY AUDIENCE! And don’t be one of those people who say ‘oh, it’s parodying all of those other comedies that do similar scenes to this’. If there’s anything Stan Helsing taught me, bad parody films are still bad films…. You shouldn’t just give something unfair resistance to criticism because it’s parody. And there’s people who call this film an ART PIECE…. PAH! …I’ll get into THAT elephant in the room later…..

Now the confusion continues – the film keeps throwing in alternating scenes of Rip Torn and Gordon being interchangeably horrible and…. LESS horrible, that I can’t choose who to root for…. Rip Torn rips up Gordon’s drawings – understandable, because Gordon is responsible for Freddy being held against his will in a home he will most likely NEVER escape from – and now Gordon says ‘f*** you, Dad’. And now…. The horrible incest jokes continue, as Rip Torn LITERALLY takes down his PANTS and asks Gordon to have sex with him…. …….I……I…….I……….. *something explodes in my brain*

*Duckyworth has run into a problem, and has been shut down to prevent further damage to his braincells. Please do not adjust your computer screen – this film is indeed as horrible as it sounds. If this is the first time you’ve seen this error message, it means that the scene Duckyworth is wrong on so many levels. Not just because both of the characters involved are absolutely horrible, but because the film is not only mocking male intercourse and domestic abuse up to and including sexual types of abuse, but because it is so desperate to make horrible jokes that it is now re-using jokes regarding incest….. And it shows Rip Torn wiping his butt with Gordon’s drawings, destroying any respect I had for him as a character, if he wasn’t dead to me already. If problems continue, please take a necessary alcohol break, preferably some heavy duty scrumpy, to ease the pain, then restart reading from this line.*

……….Ogh….. *sits up and rubs my head* Ugh…. Sorry about that….. But…. WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, FILM?! And it turns out that Gordon’s mother sees this – of course she does…. Predictable…. Now comes the obligatory ‘sad scene’ where the comedic ‘hero’ falls into a bad patch and is slowly losing all hope – he reapplies for his job at the cheese sandwich factory. But this strangely cuts to Betty testing out her rocket propelled chair….. And even in the scene where the film TRIES to make us feel sympathy for Gordon, he calls Betty an idiot and mocks her… Once again, I can’t tell whether it’s supposed to be funny or serious…. But once again, either way, it fails. I have the strangest feeling that the writers don’t want me to cheer that his life is in ruins…. It could be the music, but maybe it’s just me….

Part 2 - duckyworth.deviantart.com/jour…