Duckyworth's Thoughts: Quest For Camelot~1998

Hello, here's another Duckyworth's Thoughts....

Sorry, just..... OKAY, I'm just going to get it out of the way... I absolutely, completely HATE today's film...... A LOT. And not necessarily because of how bad the film is... but because of how much a bland DISAPPOINTMENT it is... I mean, I was disheartened that Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'Hoole was a let down, but.... this was SO much worse... Of course, I am referring to the infamous Disney rip-off that makes Monty Python and the Holy Grail look dignified..... Quest For Camelot...



Now, I know a lot of my friends do actually see something in this film, and everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I have to admit, this film does show one or two bits of potential, but I'm sorry, I expected SO much better from a film with such promise as this.... I mean, from what I heard of it before I watched it, I knew it was a Disney ripoff, and I didn't expect much from it... But I did in fact EXPECT something.... And instead I got an un-entertaining, uncreative and unbelievably STUPID waste of time. Now, there are one or two things I could salvage from this film, so it is nowhere near the flat out WORST film that I've watched, but it is just so UNIMPRESSIVE... that it did actually not just leave me empty, but it actually took something AWAY from me while I watched it. Just hear me out and I will get to what I liked, but for most of this review, I'll be talking about bad stuff... So, let's begin.

So, the main story... if you can say there's one, they seem to ad-libbing and making the stuff up as they go along in this film (now, I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, I do that in my comics.... But come on, I don't have the budget or writing expertise that these filmmakers (Warner Bros.) do ) is as follows. A young girl named Kayley wants to prove that she can be the world's greatest knight ( I'll... address her gender-confusion soon...) by retrieving the sword Excalibur and return it to Camelot before an evil knight named Ruber (who is also a very BORING, BLAND, ANNOYING knight... I'll get back to that too...) can take it and rule Camelot. That sounds like an interesting plot, right?
WRONG. I thought it sounded like it had promise when I first heard of this film (and before I watched any clips), but when I saw this film, I found it was stupid, moronic, half-baked and.... surprisingly BORING. Now, after hearing that, you may think 'Oh come on, if that's the case, there's little you can say about it!' THAT'S THE POINT. I was surprised how UNENGAGING the film was. Now, just a quick heads-up, throughout this review, you may think I'm simply repeating what the Nostalgia Critic had to say about it in HIS review. But I can't help but agree with a lot of points that he makes.

Let us start with the characters.....
Our main hero.... HERO, pff... is an annoying broad named Kayley – voiced by Jessalyn Gilsig. As I said, she wants to be the world's greatest knight . Now, I may be a bit harsh in saying this, but I must address this – in the MIDDLE AGES, a WOMAN wants to be a KNIGHT. Now I know it's an animated film and can therefore change the rules a little... But I can't be the ONLY one who thinks it's strange how determined she is to become a knight.... And by determined, I mean WHINGY. I mean it, throughout the first scene of her as a young adult, she keeps moaning to her mother in an annoying voice about things like 'I want to save Camelot!' and 'But I want to be a knight! Going on grand adventures, fighting evil, rescuing damsels in distress.... (Oh, wait a minute, it gets worse...) What IS a damsel anyway?' My goodness, how dumb is this broad?! And throughout the whole film, she just keeps on boasting about how obvious it is that she'll the world's greatest knight.... This is TRIXIE territory level of bragging... Talk about all bark and no bite.
Well, she is EXTREMELY idiotic... But first, let's talk about something that angers me greatly.. Does her FACE remind you of anyone?!
That's right.... If you guessed Belle from Beauty and the Beast... I apologise in advance. I mean, they didn't even TRY to make her look different!! And not only does she look extremely similar, she works on a farm , runs around places with her arms wide open , and sings about wanting to be adventurous in a place that doesn't accept her free spirit .....Yeah, sorry if this sounds so similar to the review I mentioned earlier, but again, it really irritates me too! (Speaking of Disney rip-offs, how much does the rock in the opening look like Pride Rock?! )
But to make up for it, Kayley has one big difference from Belle.... She's a total BUFFOON. That's right, all she seems to do throughout a lot of the film is just brag and boast about how she's going to be the world's greatest knight, but she isn't the least bit strong, brave, intelligent, capable... NOTHING. I mean, Vanellope Von Schweetz may have been annoying, but at least she tried her best! Kayley.... She just ANNOYED me so much... I mean, how many times does she have to be saved in this film?! She makes Niko from The Flight Before Christmas and MRS BRISBY from The Secret of NIMH look brave! Like Niko in The Flight Before Christmas, whenever she got in trouble, I started cheering, until she was saved a few seconds later... Now, you're probably thinking 'She DID save Garrett in one scene from the villains!' Yeah? Well, he wouldn't have got badly injured if she hadn't stopped yapping and actually listened to him ask her to be quiet so he could hear what was coming.... and she was just constantly nagging, whinging and moaning all throughout that scene... I actually wanted to SLAP her when she wouldn't SHUT HER TRAP for just a second! She's like a mixture between Meridia from Brave and Lisa from The Room....
You're tearing me APAWRT, annoying bitchy broad!

(By the way, Brave will be reviewed soon... But be warned, the review WON'T be pretty... ) Other than that TINY redeeming scene, she does NOTHING knightly in this film.... I'm completely FOR films that suggest gender equality, but this film fails in that field.... She wouldn't last a SECOND against Eowyn from Lord of the Rings or San from Princess Mononoke.... In fact, I doubt she would be a match for that crybaby ARWEN.

The Garrett I mentioned is actually a blind hermit played by Cary Elwes - who voiced a pilot in The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn, The Baron in The Cat Returns, Fritz Arno Wagner in Shadow of the Vampire, Arthur Holmwood in Bram Stoker's Dracula, Curtis in Porco Rosso and..... sigh, BOBBLY WOBBLY in The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure... So, from such an actor with such a wide range of interesting characters, this character...... is NOT. I mean, all he REALLY has going for him is the fact that he's a blindman - the only reason I like him in any way is because he reminds me of Felicity from Felidae...
'I'm not blind... I just can't see.' Sweet little thing....
!! Ahem! Anyway.. While Felicity was sweet and tragic, Garrett is.... well, BORING. It's funny saying that because, although he's much more skilled than Kayley will ever be, I just don't find him that engaging.... Maybe it's because he's helping out KAYLEY. That's right, WHY WASN'T GARRETT THE MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS?! Garrett's GREAT in this - the reason I find him boring is that because when he IS on the screen... His presence is being butchered by that annoying bimbo.... I mean it, the way he moves and fights, the way he's always listening out for danger, how his disability doesn't really hinder him much, even the relationship he has with his falcon Ayden should make him a million times more interesting than all of the other IDIOTS in this film... But no, he gets shoved into the sidelines as a SECONDARY character to make room for our so-called 'heroine'.
But even HE falls victim to some stupid screw-ups this film manages to violate him with.... First off... How could they screw up the differences between his singing and speaking voice so badly!? Don't get me wrong, Bryan White has some nice pipes, but Bryan White sounds NOTHING like Cary Elwes... I mean, Jack Skellington had different voice actors doing his singing/speaking voices, but they sound really similar, so couldn't they at least get someone who sounds similar to Cary Elwes?! Speaking of the song, Garrett is singing about how he and Ayden don't need any assistance and work alone... and all it takes for Kayley to convince him is a FIVE word sentence.... 'It'll only be this once.'
I mean it, THAT somehow convinces Garrett to forget his song and let this manipulative bimbo come along with him.... If only his song was more powerful.... If only it was like Omar and Angel's song from Rock and Rule – a song that could reject the source of evil (Kayley, in this case ) and expel it back to the hell-hole from whence it came.... In this case, the messed up minds of the writers.
And also, another thing I don't really get is the backstory he has of how he lost his vision after the Knights of the Round Table were attacked by Ruber ( Keep calm, Callum.... You'll have a chance to show your anger towards THAT character soon....) - and the fire caused the horses in the stables where Garrett was a stableboy back then, and he got hit in the face by a HORSE'S HOOVES!!!
Ouch... Maybe THAT'S why Khartoum in The Godfather was beheaded, or why Boxer from Animal Farm was sold fr glue... as punishment for blinding Garrett... But still... Really? THAT blinded him? The hooves don't even leave any marks when he gets hit... I mean, I'm not entirely sure if a hit like that would result in someone being blinded... But, seen as it didn't leave a mark... I'm calling bulls*** on this one... Also, referring to the blindness, why is that when the magic power heals everyone in the end ( I'll get to that later too... Believe me, that scene is MORONIC.), WHY isn't Garrett healed?! Come on! Garrett was your true hero! He did the most in this film, and you DON'T heal him of his blindness?! How MEAN-SPIRITED can magic powers be? You heal everyone EXCEPT the true hero of the film...... But don't worry, there'll be MANY more stupid scenes to dig into....


Speaking of stupid.... let us take a look at my absolute LEAST favourite character... And THAT'S saying a lot.... The VILLAIN. RUBER. I absolutely DESPISE this villain... and not in a good way, like with Jigo and Eboshi from Princess Mononoke.... This is perhaps the most BORING, OBVIOUS, NOT SUBTLE, CLICHED, ANNOYING villain in EXISTENCE.... I mean, true, Sykes from Oliver and Company, Rourke from Atlantis: The Lost Empire, Scroop from Treasure Planet and The Horned King from The Black Cauldron may have seemed a tad generic... But at least they were interesting... Sykes was a loan-shark, and he's one of the sources of inspiration for my Zangoose character Gash , Rourke reminds me of a mix between Clayton and McLeach, so that makes him slightly cool, and besides, he has an awesome death and I love his cool gravelly voice, Scroop was a SPIDER - 'nuf said , and The Horned King was trying to raise an army of the dead!! Those may have been generic villains, but they were all made interesting - they had slight spins placed on their characters. RUBER is like Metalbeak and the female owl from Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'Hoole... he's just an obvious cardboard cut-out with no interesting characteristics or additions made to the cliches they use.... The moment he walks in, it's pretty blatantly obvious that he's going to be the villain, there's just nothing subtle about him… And yet, the Knights of the Round Table DON'T manage to pick him out, and still let him in when they distribute the land between themselves in one of the opening scenes! He looks like a merge between a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the Chaos Armour from Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain!! How can these idiots NOT tell he's not a villain?! Also… he stupidly lunges out at King Arthur, and tries to take Excalibur, and Kayley's father, Sir Lionel, is killed by ONE hit of Ruber's mace, while all the other knights manage to chase him away… Wow, I think we can see where Kayley inherited her feebleness from… Speaking of not trusting him, Ruber uses Kayley's mom as leverage later in the film to get into Camelot, and yet… HE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB!! Again, can't ANYONE in the whole of CAMELOT tell that he's evil?! As the Nostalgic Critic said:
Also let in the dark shadowy figure with the black hood, black horse and black saddle… I'm sure he can be totally trusted!

And the MOTIVE that Ruber has for wanting to take over Camelot?! He's MAD.

…….Yeah, that's it. That's the ONLY piece of explanation they give as to why he's evil... I'm sorry, you cannot just say 'OH, he's mad!' and just expect THAT alone to make him a plausible villain... No, that doesn't work... It's like the Nostalgia Critic said in his review of The Cell, if you know nothing about the villain, apart from the SMALLEST details, you can NEVER identify with them, or determine WHY they're doing what they're doing... I mean, Sykes was a loan shark, so we can pretty much tell he's going to be evil, Rourke was revealed to believe that the true worth of the Atlanteans was how valuable on a money basis their culture was, Scroop wanted to take over the mutiny from John Silver and take over the RLS Legacy himself, and The Horned King... well, maybe his past was explained in the book 'The Chronicles of Prydain'.... Even Anna Conda in A Fox's Tale had a better reason for turning evil – she wanted to get this boy who… I think caused her to lose her arm…
You can't just throw a villain at us without a proper motive and just say 'He's evil, hate him.' No, no… You can't do that. You have to give us a REASON why he turned evil, so we can have some kind of sympathy with him or so we can understand WHY he's evil, a proper motive for his crimes… Did he have some kind of rivalry with King Arthur? Did he feel left out from the other knights in the past? Did he have his honour ruined by some kind of tragic event like failing to protect his own land, losing a battle or losing someone dear to him that made him question his duties as a knight?
THAT'S a better villain right now! Just me ranting about him! Oh, what you COULD have turned this villain into…. As long as you don't throw in completely idiotic reasons why he's a villain like they did for Ms Prysellius in Pippi Longstocking (I SYMPATHISE with that villain for being subjected to torture at the hands of that hellspawn! ) and Kazar from The Wild (…….just…. NO. That whole koala bear, wanting to eat predators, being terrible at dancing…. No, NOT like that… ), Ruber could have been SUCH a great villain…
Also, Ruber can't sing at all! Usually the villain song is the best song in the whole film in an animated musical (Hexus' Toxic Love in Fern Gully, Frollo's Hell Fire in Hunchback of Notre Dame, Scar's Be Prepared from Lion King, Dr Facilier's Friends On The Other Side from Princess And The Frog, Ratigan's The World's Greatest Criminal Mind AND Goodbye So Soon from Basil the Great Mouse Detective and Alameda Slim's Yodel-Idle-Eedle-Idle-Oo from Home on the Range are some great villain songs that really stand out among the other songs in their films in my opinion ), but in this case, it's the WORST! And considering some of the other songs in this film, THAT'S saying a lot... While listening to the song, it just sounds the song writer was making it up on the spot.. In a BAD way.. I can't even catch the melody while listening to it!
And another problem with the song? It mentions that Ruber bought a potion that he uses to turn his followers into half-metal, half-man hybrids from some witches. Okay, to be fair, the half-metal, half-man idea is pretty awesome. But still, this part of Ruber's backstory is just THROWN in during the song, and when I was watching it, I was pretty confused (imagine that.. I'll mention many of the other HUNDRED plotholes in this film later... ) when they just kept throwing all of this unexplained stuff at us..... Again, how much of this film could you have made effective by showing Ruber buying the potion, or explaining how the potion works... or, most importantly, why the potion says ACME on it?! Was it the witches from The Black Cauldron that sold you it?! WHAT?!
And the worst part about this villain.... GARY OLDMAN voiced him... That's right, the same actor who played COUNT DRACULA in Bram Stoker's Dracula and LORD SHEN in Kung Fu Panda 2 played this half-baked, completely forgettable villain. I feel so sorry for Gary Oldman in this film, you can TELL he's trying as hard as he can to make this villain good, but of course, the villain is written so badly, not even GARY OLDMAN can save him... He's such a great actor, but I think he's been under contract/roped in to voice this villain with NO subtleties whatsoever.... Half of the time throughout this film, I was thinking... 'Did the same person who made a film with KEANU REEVES in it my second fave film of all time REALLY play this horribly written character? You were DRACULA, Gary, show some dignity! '
I mean.... when a guy who said 'Then, I give you life eternal. Everlasting love. The power of the storm. And the beasts of the earth. Walk with me to be my loving wife, forever' to Mina in Bram Stoker's Dracula, giving me my main source of inspiration for my Crobat character Dracula's romantic, gentlemanly attitude , and who also voiced a crazed yet calm peacock obsessed with killing all the world's pandas, and eerily said to Po 'The only reason you are still alive is that I find your stupidity mildly amusing', ALSO said 'The ogre's butt' and has his character, whose name sounds like a type of sandwich filling, take an evil potion out of his CLEAVAGE in Quest For Camelot......

Yeah, you can see the badness factor going off the charts here. I will admit, that line did me laugh slightly, but only because the Nostalgia Critic mocked it in his review. Oh, and speaking of the ogre in question.... you'll see what HE rips off soon enough...

Okay, PHEW... finally got him out of the way , next character.... A chicken playboy. Okay, a chicken who flirts with other chickens, played by Jaleel White. I have to admit, this idea was KIND of funny when I heard it and saw it... But it goes out the window when the chicken gets dipped in the metal potion by Ruber... and he SUDDENLY turns evil.... Okay, that confused me slightly... I mean, did the potion turn him evil as well?
Explain, movie! (from his review of Quest For Camelot, when he analyses the hundreds of plotholes I'll analyse soon)
He's named Bladebeak in the credits - think of him as a chicken version of Metalbeak from Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'Hoole.. only slightly more annoying. And then, all of a sudden in the climax, out of NOWHERE, Bladebeak suddenly turns good, and frees Kayley from Ruber's trap! That's right... Kayley, an annoying broad who is bragging about herself becoming the world's greatest knight, is saved by a CHICKEN. Goes to show how hopeless Kayley is.....

Ruber has a griffin for a hench..monster , creatively called... GRIFFIN. Why do I get the feeling Ruber hired PIPPI LONGSTOCKING to name his griffin for him right after she came up the creative name HORSE? Voiced by Bronson Pinchot (who was the Town Crier in The Tale of Depereaux), the Griffin has, I have to admit, a cool design. But of course, the CHARACTER is unbelievably weak... The griffin gets beaten up by AYDAN... A GRIFFIN is beaten up by a falcon... Gilda the Griffin would be put her paw to her forehead in an L shape and shout 'LOSER!' if she saw this embarrassing display... and I wouldn't blame her... Again, how interesting would it be if we heard WHY the Griffin works for Ruber?

And now, we get to another one of the characters who I KIND of liked in the whole film, but mainly due to one of his voices.... a double headed dragon, called Cornwall and Devon, played by Don Rickles and Eric Idle, respectively... Yep, the only real reason I liked Devon was because he was voiced by Eric Idle... who, again, I could TELL he was trying as hard as he could... But he just couldn't save the film... Again, they seem to be pretty pointless in the film – like the echidna in Owls of Ga'Hoole who just comes out of nowhere, and only serves his purpose in one scene... But Devon and Cornwall decide to FOLLOW OUR HEROES.... Oh dear....  Because a TWO HEADED dragon who can only manage to breath fire if they AGREE WITH EACH OTHER (don't know how that works) and can only fly if they AGREE WITH EACH OTHER (don't know how that works either) is going to be a LOT of help, isn't it?! They seem to be like a mixture between King Ghidorah en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghidorah… with one his heads chopped off, and the Genie from Aladdin.... Yeah, their musical number is like the Genie's song 'You've Never Had a Friend Like Me', but with ANNOYANCE thrown in, and made completely pointless... I mean it, one of the many songs in the film with no real point or entertainment value.... This song is about Devon and Cornwall singing about how they want to be separated from each other, and they start singing with modern day references thrown in (), but while the modern day references in the Genie's song were funny, the ones thrown into this song are TORTURE... Seriously, this song could rival Wilma the Weasel from The Flight Before Christmas in terms of how embarrassing/annoying the singing was..... And trust me, when Devon and Cornwall dressed up as Elvis......
Yeah.... just show someone THAT, and say it came from Quest For Camelot... That sums up how MESSED up this film is.... I mean it, I was actually leaning back as far as my chair would allow from my laptop screen when I saw that scene, it was actually pretty creepy where they were animating Devon and Cornwall shaking their huge butt... Far away from the screen, true, but this is SHIN-CHAN style buttdancing... And as soon as the song is over, Kayley simply says.... 'Come on, Garrett.'
That's right, they never acknowledge the song again!! At least in most Disney films, the songs have some rhyme or reason, or they tie in the story in some way, shape or form.... But in Quest For Camelot... most of the songs seem to be downright generic, and more often than not, pointless filler... Seriously, this rivals the songs in PIPPI LONGSTOCKING in terms of generic pointlessness..... At least there isn't a rapping crow in this, I can give it that credit....
Well, at least ONE of the songs in the film has some definite appeal.. But yet again, it suffers from being out of place.. In fact, it's the most BLATANTLY out of place song I've EVER seen in a film in my life... Even WORSE than the rapping crow in A Fox's Tale 'rapping' after a boar is shot!

The song in question is one of the most BEAUTIFUL songs I've ever heard in my life…. THE PRAYER.
Wait… WHAT?
The Prayer, a song which reminds me of the beautiful song from Titanic, and has been sung by SO MANY famous singers, came from QUEST FOR CAMELOT?!
Like many people, I was surprised when I heard that it came from THIS messed up 'film', and when I saw the film all the way through, it STILL surprised me when I heard it play. The song won an Oscar for the song, and I can see why. But still, what kind of scene does the song PLAY in? After Kayley escapes Ruber's clutches to retrieve Excalibur, her mother starts singing the song…… While Kayley is chased by the metallic monsters in fear into the creepy Forbidden Forest (and no, she doesn't come across Harry Potter, before you think about that. )……

Yeah…. I imagined this song being used in an emotional scene like in Shrek where we see the montage of Princess Fiona and Shrek trying to adapt to being apart from each other again… Not an ACTION scene!! How much more effective could this song have been if it had played in a scene where Kayley was, for example, lost in the forest, trying to rest, but being afraid of the forest around her, while her mother lies in captivity, looking out of a window towards the forest where her daughter was? Again, a better scenario right now, me ranting at it! This is perhaps the POOREST matching up of a song and a scene in a film I've EVER seen… Imagine if in The Lion King the song 'I Just Can't Wait To Be King' was playing in place of Uncle Scar's 'Be Prepared, or having The Crows' song in Dumbo in place of 'Baby Mine', or, even better.... playing The Prayer over the top of the THREE BRIDES scene in Bram Stoker's Dracula, OR the Gregor Mendel Nightmare in Felidae… That's how poorly the song is matched up in this….
But still, the song is worth listening to… Keep telling yourself it DIDN'T come from Quest for Camelot, and it'll heighten the experience. Here's a link to the version I've listened to.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckH3V_…

Anyway, other than this song, all of the others are, as I said, pretty forgettable. Even Garrett's song sounds like a parody of the Phil Collins songs in Disney's Tarzan. And for the record.. I LIKE Phil Collins' singing voice – even the disaster Brother Bear had some slight appeal due to the Phil Collins songs. I'll review Brother Bear in the future as well. But back to Quest For Camelot, a lot of them did seem to be pretty generic – as I said, only The Prayer has potential, and even that angelic song is butchered by where it's placed in the film. So many opportunities for the film to redeem itself... And so many times the film keeps scuppering these chances...

Now let's get onto the animation. As much as I hate to admit it... Some of the animation is pretty nice to look at – it reminds me of the animation in the underappreciated classic 'Help! I'm a Fish' at times. The fire effects, the facial expressions on the characters, and the magical effects are all pretty nice to look at – even if the animation can't save the film, it is ONE of the few redeeming factors the film has. But in some parts of the film, the animation takes a stumble. In some scenes, the framerate becomes slightly choppy – when I first watched it, I honestly thought the website I was watching it on was having trouble loading, but then I noticed it happened once or twice in the rest of the film too... The scene in question where I first noticed this is the scene were Garrett, Kayley, Devon and Cornwall are fleeing down the hill from Ruber. Watch it closely, and in some parts, the animation starts to become a bit inconsistently slow...... I know it's a nitpick, but it did bother me at times.
Also, the computer animation on the ogre is..... pretty dated. I mean, nowhere near as dated as the animation on the Hydra in Hercules (come on, that looks pretty bad when you look at it now, you have to admit... ), and this did come out in the year AFTER Hercules, but still, it made me question why they didn't just animate the ogre normally....

Okay, characters, music, and animation are all out of the way.... Now let's move onto the film's MAJOR flaw...
THE PLOTHOLES.
Don't get me wrong, even the best films have plotholes in them at times (for example, in Wreck It Ralph, we never really learned why Vanellope wanted to go back to being a glitch, and why she was a princess before King Candy took over :hmm), but in most cases, the plotholes don't really get in the way of the film's appeal.
But in THIS film... the plotholes are HUGE enough to rival the plotholes in THE WILD. To analyse these unexplained plot points, let's take a look at the WHOLE plot.

Kayley, as a young girl, asks her father if she can come to Camelot with him, but he politely turns her down. When the knights arrive at Camelot, they arrive just in time for a festival that looks like a poor man's version of the parade from Tangled... Anyway, the knights go in, while Arthur songs a bland boring song that reminds me of the 'Knights of the Round Table' song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Anyway, as the knights go in, NO-ONE sees Ruber hiding in the shadows, even though he's RIGHT in front of them, and even they saw he never came in with them, they somehow still trusted him when he came in... Anyway, he attacks Arthur, trying to take Excalibur, killing Kayley's father with ONE hit, while all of the other knights survive, again, showing how weak Kayley's father was... Like father, like daughter... Ruber is repelled by the other knights after Arthur strikes him down with Excalibur, but still - he runs out of the chamber and slams the heavy wooden doors closed behind him. As he does so three knights throw a spear at him. However on the other side of the doors, SEVEN spears are shown piercing through it. Looks like these animators don't know how to do maths.....

After Lionel dies, Kayley must learn to live without him. And here comes a big plothole - When Lionel and the other knights go to Camelot, it takes a day for them to get there – and it was in Spring. When Arthur and the knights go to his house with his body, it might be implied that it took longer for them go there, as it is already winter. I guess Kayley's father's rotting corpse slowed them down quite a bit. Inspired by her father's bravery, she spends ten years tending to her family farm. Now a young woman, Kayley is still much of a dreamer and still wishes to be a knight, much against her mother Julianna's wishes. I didn't mention the characters Julianna, Arthur or Merlin before... because they are SO FORGETTABLE. Arthur is a complete wimp, Merlin does nothing, and all Julianna does is remind me of the Queen from Brave.... but luckily, she doesn't turn into a bear in this.

Meanwhile, the knights again gather with King Arthur and Merlin to discuss the era of peace among the kingdom when Griffin flies in, attacks and wounds Arthur and takes the sword Excalibur. Our king, everyone... Merlin summons a falcon with silver wings called Ayden to face the gryphon. After a furious fight, the griffin drops and loses the sword in the Forbidden Forest. And here is the first REAL big plothole.... When Griffin is attacked by Ayden, he comes across strange spikey hand thorn like creatures from the forest below... But, what are they?! Why are they attacking Griffin? Are they monsters? Magic?
Explain, movie!
And this also shows how weak Arthur is a king – he gets beaten up by a griffin, but the griffin is beaten up by a FALCON.... This makes Arthur weaker than a falcon! Wow.... quite weak, isn't he? That's like the wolves in Flight Before Christmas being scared by REINDEER.
A horn is called to announce the fact that Excalibur had been stolen, and SOMEHOW, a farmer in a field KNOWS that it means that Excalibur was stolen. Does he have a HORN DICTIONARY that tells him that that is what the horn meant? It could just be a signal that Arthur demands all of the kingdom's corn, for all they could know......
Kayley ANNOYINGLY pesters her mother to go to retrieve Excalibur but Kayley's mother forbids her to go out after it. And, yet again, here's another mess-up in the film's continuity - When Julianna turns to the family picture on the wall, Kayley's father is depicted as he was right before his death, as is Julianna. Kayley on the other hand looks like a teenager instead of the small child she would have been when the painting would have been made. I guess the person who made the picture was Nicodemus, and could predict how Kayley would look in the future?
Shortly thereafter, Ruber comes to pay Julianna a visit, planning to use her to gain access to Camelot. This is one of the dumbest scenes in the film – Ruber hits on Juliana , and sings the terrible song I mentioned earlier... It looks like a rip-off of 'Be Prepared' and 'Poor Unfortunate Souls', judging by the imagery.....
During the festivities that Ruber's followers were taking part in, Kayley manages to free herself in one of the most idiotic ways possible..... The guard who is holding her captive just LETS GO OF HER to zoom off and be turned into a medieval version of Robocop...
WOW. Dumbest.... henchmen.... EVER. And above this all, how did RUBER not notice this? Or the guard that, WHILE STILL FACING RUBER, walks like a crab and reaches for what he thinks is Kayley, and grabs Juliana? Seriously, NO ONE NOTICED THIS?!? And why weren't there any other guards there to HEAR Juliana tell Kayley the kingdom's hopes rest with her?! Are they just deaf, blind and INCOMPREHENSIBLY STUPID?! The triplets from Rock and Rule were smarter henchmen than these STOOGES! But still, if all of the kingdom's hopes rest with Kayley.... that says how hopeless the scenario is.. Even worse than when Spongebob says Mr Krabs' life is in his and Patrick's hands and then look all goofy in the Spongebob Squarepants movie... And still, why aren't the KNIGHTS helping with the search? Instead, they're REBUILDING the tower Griffin wrecked while stealing Excalibur! This is a job for the PEASENTS who are PAID to build fortresses, not the defenders of the realm who should be out fighting for glory and defending their king! And Arthur says 'the strength of the kingdom is not in her king, but in her people...'
*looks at Kayley and Arthur and sees how weak they both are*
...........Well, Camelot is screwed.

Only NOW does Ruber realise Kayley has escaped, who escapes capture by fleeing to the Forbidden Forest. *Tries to keep back tears caused by knowing THE PRAYER was used in this scene *Again, why is it that the pigs the henchmen use as transport can hold their weight fine when running forwards, and collapse when they stop?!

While lost in the forest, Kayley comes across Garrett, a handsome and blind hermit who wishes to be alone – and trust me, I would rather be alone than spend this film with KAYLEY.... Another plot-hole here..... When Garrett helps fight off Ruber's henchmen, and in Garrett's song, we see some of the plants attack the henchmen, and we see a whirlpool SOMEHOW turn up in the lake......
Er.... WHY?!
Okay, this is CAMELOT, not f***ing FERN GULLY!! How are they able to do this!?
Again, I have to agree with the NC on this one – throughout the song, I couldn't help but get confused by all the moving plants.... I mean, HOW DO THEY MOVE?! Were they enchanted? Is there some magic power in their roots? Are they possessed? Are they related to Treebeard from Lord of the Rings? Don't give me the excuse that 'It's magic, therefore it doesn't need an explanation'... DON'T say that. Even if it's magic, they need to SAY it's magic, and how it works... Give us some introduction to the plants – SAY they're enchanted, don't just throw us in and expect us to go along with it, that makes no sense!
EXPLAIN, movie! EXPLAIN!!!


After some persuasion (FIVE WORDS of persuasion ), Garrett grudgingly helps Kayley find Excalibur. Guided by Ayden, they manage to find the scabbard of the sword in the footprints of a ogre. Just wait and see what the OGRE rips off.
As they make their way into dragon infested mountains, they come across a conjoined two-headed dragon - the sophisticated and intelligent Devon and the boorish but loyal Cornwall. Again, I do have to give these two credit that they do get a good joke – 'We're the reason why cousins shouldn't marry'. Okay, that's a little funny.... if a little culturally insensitive to rednecks...

Thanks to the bullying from the rest of the dragons due to their differences and their inability to fly, they want nothing more than to be apart from one another. Developing a friendship toward Kayley (if you can call a relationship being there for NO reason.... Seriously, they do damn near nothing in this except annoy us... ) , they join the party. In the swamp in this scene, we see another error - When Kayley and Garret are standing by the acid lake, deciding whether or not it's safe, Garret dips just the end of his walking stick into the lake, but when he pulls it out, almost half is gone and the end of what remains is charred black. In the next shot, the entire walking stick is complete and unharmed. Is the stick like The Tenth Doctor Who's hand when he gets it cut off during regeneration and then it grows back after... When Garrett is crossing the acid lake he gets almost to the end. However when Kayley tells him to hurry, the shot goes back and it shows him back at the start. :wut: Perhaps Garrett thought it was fun ad went back to the start while Kayley wasn't looking.... Also..... When Devon and Cornwall make shadow puppets on the wall, Garrett (who is supposedly blind ), looks at the shadow puppets on the wall. You can't HEAR shadow puppets, writers...

We see Ruber stupidly grab the hot coals of a fire that our 'heroes' lit, and squeezes it while grimacing evilly.....

In the next scene, due to Kayley's INSATIABLE stupidity and inability to STAY QUIET and listen to Garrett telling her to be quiet, Garrett misses a key warning from Ayden and is injured in an attack. After they escape, Kayley admits that she was an idiot all this time and that if it wasn't for her, Garrett wouldn't be dying..... And then... They sing a song and... GET THIS.... Kayley places a LEAF on Garrett's wound, and it HEALS HIM. Now, I know that they mentioned in an earlier scene that the leaves have healing powers, but they never EXPLAINED how it worked, and again, threw in an unexplained phenomenon in the middle of a song, praying that no-one would notice and just go along with the song..... Guess what, I DIDN'T.
No! NO! That just doesn't happen, movie! That just DOES NOT HAPPEN! Unless you – oh, I don't know – EXPLAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIN!!!

Soon they come across the ogre..... or should I say.... ROCK BITER RIP-OFF.
That's right, this 'ogre' looks almost EXACTLY like the Rock-Biter from the Neverending Story.... First Belle, now this... Were the writers even TRYING?! It's like they were flicking through a book of successful ideas, and just threw it in their film praying that it would work!
The heroes get the sword back, and cause Ruber to be sat on by the ogre.... 'The ogre's butt.'
After they escape, Garrett returns to the forest, having grown distant from the world of men and preferring to stay in the forest....... idiot. How do you KNOW the people in Camelot would turn you away because you're blind?! They may like you... Take a chance you wimp!
Kayley starts toward Camelot, sword in hand, but is captured by Ruber and his thugs. Haha, ONE MINUTE AWAY from Garrett, who should be the TRUE main character in this film.... and Kayley is captured... Ruber forges Excalibur onto his arm with his 'deus ex machina' potion... While he does this, I can't help but think of He-Man shouting –
I HAVE THE POWER!!
Devon and Cornwall discover their power of flight, which only works when they cooperate or agree on something mutually........... How, I do not know....
They rejoin Garrett, who mounts a rescue mission, but Ruber manages to gain entry to Camelot via disguise - if you can call an obvious black hood, black horse and black saddle a disguise. The guards see Lady Juliana and open the gates..... But NONE OF THEM SEE RUBER?! How can they not tell he's there?! These guards are IDIOTS! They could at least have someone CHECK him to see why he's there!!
Kayley is bound and gagged in the back of the cart – again, proving what a GREAT KNIGHT she's going to be..... And then..... Bladebeak, who has been helping Ruber ALL THIS TIME, suddenly frees Kayley.... With NO explanation WHY he's helping her... Couldn't you have had him TALK to her, couldn't you have had a scene where he remembers what he was like BEFORE he was turned half-metal, ANYTHING to give us a VALID REASON WHY HE'S FREEING KAYLEY!?
JUST..... EX...... PLAAAAAAAAAAAIN!
Kayley and Garrett manage to fight their way through to the Round Table where Arthur is fighting Ruber. Oh, and guess what music plays while Devon and Cornwall are helping out.....
THE SUPERMAN THEME. Do the writers in this film have NO ORIGINALITY?!
Again, Garrett does most of the work in fighting Ruber, as he and Kayley manage to trick Ruber into getting him in front of the stone where Excalibur was pulled out of. SOMEHOW, Ruber doesn't HEAR Garrett telling Kayley to wait for the perfect moment to dodge him... If only Ruber didn't take his time savouring the moment, and LISTEN. Then, they trick him into plunging the sword back into the stone. Even though, again, it is NEVER EXPLAINED WHY THIS HAPPENS, I have to be honest, the death of Ruber looks pretty cool. Some kind of magic power comes out of the stone, and disintegrates Ruber... while Ruber is laughing..... Was he laughing because he was mad, or because he was finally granted peace from suffering a tortured life of never getting the respect he wanted?
While this is happening, I keep thinking of Gary Oldman's torture in this film FINALLY ending, and I imagine him ascending into greater and better film roles after this.... THIS music plays in my mind while Ruber is killed - www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEc_U0…
Don't worry Gary, your torment is finally over, and you can finally leave this hellish atrocity... and go on to bigger and better things...

Oh, the lack of explanations gets worse and worse.... the magic that emanates on the kingdom.... wait for it.... MAGICALLY HEALS EVERYONE.
WHY? HOW? I refer you to my first nuclear explosion.
Yeah, how much better would it have been if Merlin at the end EXPLAINED to us that the stone destroyed the evil in Ruber's soul, and used the power of the sword to heal the damage that Ruber had caused, undoing the chaos that had befallen the kingdom, and restoring it to its former glory? But again, WHY does no-one rush to arrest Ruber's men? Why aren't they evil anymore? WHY is Arthur healed? Why are Devon and Cornwall separated, but then they somehow realise they want to be together.... and then WHY does the magic bind them back together again?!
And... most importantly.... WHY ISN'T GARRETT HEALED?! This is the most SELECTIVE healing magic ever... Heal everyone – except those who REALLY NEED HEALING – is THAT how the magic works?! Garrett was your real hero in this film, and you're honestly going to leave him in the dust and not undo the pain Ruber made him suffer throughout his whole life?! Were the writers simply wanting to get the film over at this point and forget to write in that Garrett was healed? Or, could someone have EXPLAINED that the magic operated by granting whoever was graced by its power what they really wanted – that could also explain why Devon and Cornwall were separated, but then they realised they wanted to be together again, and that's why it bound them back together, and Garrett realised the world wouldn't shun him for being blind – and he had grown stronger as a result of his lack of sight and wanted to continue living as he did before?
AGAIN... A better scenario right now.... My anger can come up with better explanations than WRITERS WHO ARE PAID TO WRITE PLOTS FOR FILMS.... THAT says a lot about how LAZY these writers are.... I'm not a skilled writer, and I can still somehow make up something to at least TRY and fill the huge gaping plot holes in this messed up film....

Soon after Kayley and Garrett are knighted as members of the round table, and they share a kiss. As the pair ride off into the sunset, their horse has a sign mounted to its back reading "Just Knighted"..... Oh, one more question, WHY DID AYDEN HAVE SILVER WINGS? Was he enchanted? Was he born that way? Is he a descendent of Clockwerk from the Sly Cooper games? Did he take lessons on hiding blades under his wings from Lord Shen?
Along with tons of other unexplained problems with this film.....we shall never know...

Also, we shall never know WHY this was such a disappointing letdown....

I feel bad, because I can TELL that some of the actors and animators are trying – Gary Oldman and Eric Idle are actually pretty good at it. But I'm sorry, no amount of acting or animating skills can save something written as poorly as this. I can't BELIEVE how badly this film was written.... WHY are so many things unexplained?! HOW did they mess up on a story like this? How did they go by so many generic rip-offs of other films? Why did it only have ONE good song – which oddly enough, I don't think is supposed to be there in the first place?

And don't give me the whole 'This is for children' thing... Again... back to The Secret of NIMH, just because a film is for children doesn't mean it has to treat you like one.... And in The Secret of NIMH, they EXPLAINED that the Stone POSSESSED a power... they PURPOSEFULLY kept it a mystery as to what the power WAS. They built it up. They made it surprising AND a  good pay-off when we learned just what it did.
Fern Gully told us that the fairies looking after the forest POSSESSED magical powers... THAT'S why the plants can move in Fern Gully and WHY the fairies have power over nature. These two films EXPLAIN why certain things happened... The explanations made it entertaining.

THIS is obviously just making it up as it goes along, preying it will keep the children quiet, NOT caring that parents would be scratching their heads and leaving the cinema saying 'WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST WATCH?!' THAT'S what I did when I saw this. If you don't get bothered by the plotholes... You MAY like this.... And many of you may say the only flaw with this film is that it's forgettable... and I have to admit, it DOES have some redeeming factors that COULD have appeal for some...

But as for me.... I find it bad when a film has some redeeming factors and creative ideas... But it just gets buried among HORRIBLE flaws... It means the good ideas go to waste and are forbidden to seek out their full potential....
And apparently, the film was meant to be much darker – I think it could have been like an animated version of The Dark Crystal... which COULD have been great! But to make it more 'family friendly', suffering the same fate many of the Don Bluth films did, the songs were thrown in at the last minute........ THAT explains a LOT about them throwing in more plot-holes, more half-baked ideas and more things that are written SO horribly.
This film bombed at the box office... Not that THAT surprises me. But it was based on a book called The King's Damosel by Vera Chapman, and apparently, this film has almost NOTHING IN COMMON with the book. And like Owls of Ga'Hoole... I can't believe how much of a let-down this film is.
But this film is WORSE than Owls of Ga'Hoole... It's right up there with THE FLIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in terms of badness....

Just to end this review... let me finish with this.....
Not even having GARY OLDMAN voicing the villain could save this film.

.............THINK ABOUT THAT.


Phew... okay, next time, I shall cleanse myself by reviewing another Tim Burton great...
The live-action film... ED WOOD.

COMING DUCKYWORTH'S THOUGHTS –
Beavis and Butthead Do America
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists!
Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas
An American Tail
Animal Farm
Pokemon - Lucario and the Mystery Of Mew
Pokemon - The Rise of Darkrai
Brave
A Cat In Paris
Basil The Great Mouse Detective
Pokemon - Jirachi:Wishmaker
Dracula (1931)
Hellraiser
Hellbound: Hellraiser 2
The Silence of the Lambs
Zombieland
Hot Fuzz
The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari
Freaks
Fright Night
Frankenstein
Bride of Frankenstein
Casablanca
The Godfather - Part 2
The Godfather - Part 3
We're Back - A Dinosaur Story
The Cat In The Hat
The Princess and the Goblin
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Twilight ()
Corpse Bride
Ed Wood
Help! I'm A Fish
Stan Helsing ()
FernGully - The Last Rainforest

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